Partying Like It's 1999

Partying like it's 1999 sounds like fun until you realize you're 31 and it's actually 2009. It certainly doesn't get less fun, it's just that the recovery is not as graceful and it takes a lot out of you to do it night after night. And you'd think that after being down this road so many times in the past that I'd know better than to not drink lots of water before passing out. What can I say; my judgement tends to get impaired after a few drinks. When that happens, the following seemed like great ideas at the time:

• Having one more drink.
• Partying in Downey.
• Taking a shot with a random drunk at the bar.

Never party in Downey. Well, let me rephrase that: Never try to party in Downey. We didn't party in Downey. We tried to party in Downey, but Downey wasn't havin' it. We says to Downey:

Can we see some hot chicks? Hell, no! Deuces all around!
How about some ( . Y . ) ? No boob for you! Next!
How about some Denny's? Nyet! There be gangsta shit goin' down so the whole block be on lock down. No one getting in or out.
How about some McD's? Lolz, not open either
How about a shitter so my homey can take a leak? Uh uh. Even the bathroom at Chevron not open for business.

So much fail in so little town. Epic.

The Last Blast

The last leg of my trip through Central California took my gf and I to Santa Cruz. On our way there, we stopped at what can be described as an aberration of nature. Well, that's if you ask the people that work there at The Mystery Spot.

It's billed as a place where the laws of physics do not apply and it's a total mystery why that is. At the time, I didn't quite buy it and truth be told I still don't. I think it all comes down to skewed perception and abnormal points of reference. If you ask me, the real the mystery is why there were so many Indians there. I thought they were conducting a team building exercise for the Dell support center. Here's a pic of the waiting area. Notice the token white kid.

We did the tour and we participated in the gimmicks. I must say that it was a lot of fun and that I'm glad that we went. Here's my gf susie in the crooked-ass house that was built on a slanted-ass hill. Notice the Indians in the shot. I think the only picture that we took in this place that did not have an Indian in it is the first pic I showed of the entrance.

Here's a pic of me in the slanted house. You really can't tell how crooked this structure is from these pictures. Take my word for it - it's funky. There probably weren't any surfaces that were normal or parallel to the direction of gravity.


Yeah, there was another Indian in that picture but I figured that would go without saying. What I thought was the most amusing was that one of them started asking the tour guide questions in order to troubleshoot the mystery spot. I'm willing to bet he was Dell's employee of the month at one time or another.

This is not to say that the entire spot is the result of a lack of right angles. I do believe there were mystical forces at work - forces strong enough to push a slanted-ass house down a slanted-ass hill ,bend trees toward some imaginary point in space, and basically defy all other natural laws. Scary shit, I know.

This is when the spot stopped being mystical and suddenly became....mythical. Great forces such as my gunz and this anomaly in the universe cannot be in such close proximity without there being a ruckus. The stage was set for a clash of the titans. My gunz versus the universe and the universe was skurrrrred.

The battle ensued. I fired my gunz in defiance of the mystery spot. Notice that in the picture below, the shockwave from the blast was enough to stagger the woman and her child. The kid probably just shit a brick.


Here's a more dramatic picture of how the universe defies my gunz - silly universe. Notice how my body hangs towards the door frame instead of straight down.


When all is said and done, I lowered my gunz from their firing positionz. I'm still standing uprightish and the room is still off kilter - a tie between me and this oddity in the universe. Or so I thought.

A few days later when I returned home and fell back into my normal gun polishing routine, I noticed that something wasn't quite right. At first, I chalked it up to:

• Poor diet while on vacation.
  
• Fatigue from driving.
• Shitty ergonomics in our rental car, the PT Loser.
• Mildly excessive alcohol consumption.
• Dust on the gunz due to lack of polishing while on vacation.

Not one to be a pansy, I pushed it early on to speed up my recovery. Unfortunately, the harder I pushed it the further my condition deteriorated. After a week, my left gun was half as strong as it used to be.

After talking with my doctor and Steph (my friendly sorta neighborhood physical therapist), it appears that I incurred a nerve traction injury in my brachial plexus nerve during my test of might versus the universe. It was bad that I didn't feel a thing when I think the injury occurred. (Steph says that's not uncommon with nerve injuries.) What's worse is that I made it worse during that week of not being a pansy and trying to push through it.

Five months later, I'm still recovering. (Doc and Steph say that it could take up to 6 months. Fail.) I have most of the strength back in my left side but there are several motions that are still lacking. But each day, I grow stronger and the day will come when I will challenge the universe again.

So No Ma!

Sonoma wasn't all about the bur. We were there for the teh vino just as much as we were for teh bur. And it's probably a safe bet to say that if there was a distillery in Sonoma, then I would have visited it also. What can I say; I think of myself as a purveyor of a fine buzz. Let it never be said that I'm a cheap drunk.

First on the docket is De Loach Vineryards. Uncoincidentally, they are one of the earlier tasting rooms to open. I had never heard of this winery before and I really wasn't planning on buying anything from there. I was there for the morning eye-opener.

Our host was an older woman named I don't remember. She was most definitely one of the more charismatic winery hosts that I've had the pleasure of drinking with. Another party was there with us - an older group who apparently was a some sorta long standing wine club member.

The host pulled out all the stops for them. One of the privileges as a wine club member is that member tastings are free and are not limited to what is listed on the wineries tasting menu - members get to taste the good shit. And since she was pouring for the good shit for one of the parties there, she poured the good shit for us too.

All in all, I say the wine is good and the hospitality was better. The host was extremely welcoming and charismatic. One interesting tidbit that she shared with us is that weed is a beeellion $ a year cash crop in central California. It brings in so much revenue that authorities are leary of cracking down on it. I guess so long as it isn't driving the rate of violent crime, then they are willing to reap the benefits of the sticky-icky-icky-icky. I dunno - I'm just guessing. In any case, you know this area is freakin loaded if their major exports are weed and booze.

Here's a pic of me outside their winery next to a giant sculpture of a rabbit made from recycled cardboard packaging and a wire frame.

The next winery was chosen on an educated guess. Way back in the day, Trader Joe's stocked a < $10 bottle of wine that could make you pop wood. It was that damn good - made better by the rock bottom price. The wine was by a winery named M. Ray. Trader Joe's no longer carries it and I went through a period of mourning when I discovered that the wine was no longer available. To this day, I still keep an eye out it every time I shop there.

I knew that some wineries sometimes sell there wines under a different moniker. One reason why a winery would do this is that they can produce more than there is demand for in the wine market. Supply n' demand and all that shit. The winery wants to protect their price and the "limited" aspect of their fine wines and so would sell the excess stock under a different name. In this case, M. Ray. was actually Martin Ray from Sonoma and they had entered a joint venture with Trader Joe's to sell there excess stock at lower prices.

The host at the winery gave me the skinny on what went down with the M. Ray brand. Needless to say, pricing a +$50 wine for < $10 will inevitably sell well. Martin Ray realized that they could probably get more mahnies for their product and asked Trader Joe's to bump up the price. I imagine the meeting between the two companies went something like this:

Trader Joe's: Make it rain! I make it reign on dem ho's!
Martin Ray: How 'bout chargin more mahnies for teh vino? It's teh shit and it be selling like a muthafucka.
Trader Joe's: l0lw0t?
Martin Ray: more mahnies?
Trader Joe's: GTFO. dat's not how we roll
Martin Ray: man fuckthis shit.

That's how I pictured it. Anyway despite that heart wrenching story, I managed to sample quite a few of their wines. It was full of win. I highly recommend paying them a visit if you're ever in the area. I ended up purchasing a bottle of the 2006 Stag's Leap District Cabernet. Here's a pic of me and my first phat l3wts of the day:

If I look like a kid in a candy store, it's because I iz. I love wine country.

We also hit up Kendal Jackson which is one of the larger wineries in Sonoma. If you've ever perused the wine selection at anywhere from a 7-11 to a Ralph's, then I'm sure you've seen there vino for sale. It's everything you can expect from a high volume winery like KJ - beautiful, sprawling visitor center complete with fountains and lush landscaping.

I'm really not a fan of visiting the big wineries unless you know someone there or are able to get past the artificial sincerity of their reception. Otherwise, the experience tends to be very polite and cordial and not at all welcoming. I usually avoid the really big wineries but I think what swayed us to visit them was a coupon for free tastings. We sampled the wines from their cheapo list which was unremarkable; pretty much the supermarket stuff. Normally, I don't mind paying a bit more for the good tasting list. (Wineries usually offer a cheap list and a good list for a few bucks more.) This time around, I just wanted to cash in on teh coupon. Here's a pic of my gf in front of the visitor center.


Next, we visited the J winery by accident. According to the hostess, it happens all the time. They share a driveway with Rodney Strong which is one of the larger wineries. J winery happens to be the first building along the driveway so we stopped and went on in. The wine was a cut above average but still not worth my mahnies. I recall thinking that it was overpriced for what I would be getting. The hostess was nice, though. She was an older lady that used to live in Hawaii doing something or another.

After a few drinks, we proceeded down the driveway to Rodney Strong. They are one of the larger wineries but not quite as large as Kendal Jackson. They are large enough that you can find their wine in most grocery stores. Both the wine and the hospitality was excellent. I paid more mahnies for the better tasting and the host went the extra mile and poured me all kinds of shit mostly not on the lists. We talked, we laughed, we drank. When all was said and done, I walked out of there with a 2006 Reserve Cabernet and a big shit eating grin.

The last winery we visited was Armida. The grounds were beautiful but the decor was something different, a bit eclectic in a morbid kinda way. The theme was a bit like a halloween store; it had skulls, coffins, and candles. It was kinda done up like Avril Lavigne's style, not like Rob Zombie style. The wine was good; I remember it having very robust flavor. I think their best selling wine is their Zinfandel. Give it a shot. You won't be disappointed. I walked out of there empty handed but I wouldn't mind stopping by again next time I'm in the area.

Sonoma's a great place to spend a long weekend. Between the food, beer, and wine there's never lack of anything new to try. They have a very small town feel but are forward thinking at the same time. Case in point: here's a pic I took while we were driving around. Sonoma being a smaller town, I guess Home Depot hasn't set up a store there yet. Day laborers took it upon themselves to set up an informal "recruitment" center; a homeless depot if you will.


See? Forward thinking! More importantly, it shows initiative on their part. However, I do think they shot themselves in the foot by putting up a shade as opposed to building something more substantial to show off their 1337 construction skillz. I guess in this part of Cali, it's all about teh green thumbs.

Here's another pic I snapped off while putting around Sonoma. Long before the Cash 4 Clunkers program, Sonoma had moved towards smaller and more fuel efficient cars. Here's a pic of the Zapcar dealership. Although I didn't stop to learn more about it, I surmise from the name "Zapcar" that it's an electric car. Judging from the pic, the green one is a sedan and the burnt orange one is a truck.


Big pimpin', I know. How can you not get laid while rolling down Main St. Sonoma in one of these G-rides?

Overall, the Sonoma wine experience was very different from Napa. Both offer great wines. Napa has much more top notch restaurants although Sonoma has their share of fine dining as well. Sonoma tends to be more friendly and sincere while Napa felt more commercialized and touristy. I love spending time at either region and I look forward to returning.

Wines, lagers, and burs! Oh, my!

About a month ago, teh breezie and I took a trip up to Sonoma for some drinks and good times. Most folks go up to Sonoma for the wine. I say why stop there. Not only did we do the wineries; we did the breweries. Although only one of the three breweries we hit were actually in Sonoma, the other two are close enough that you should stop by if you happen to be passing through.

The first brewery we hit was Lagunitas Brewing Company. This brewery is actually in Petaluma which is along the way to Sonoma by way of Oakland. This is one of my favorite microbrews and probably the easiest of the three to find in a grocery store. Here is a pic of Susie taking a taste of a tasty brew in their tasteful tasting room. Here's to free booze!


Yeah, that's right; the tasting was free. I like almost every beer they make. If I recall correctly, their best seller is their IPA. The only one I don't like is called "GnarlyWine" which is their version of a barley wine. It's definitely gnarley. Here's a couple more pictures from the brewery.

I give you: The Motherload

And here are some shiny tanks:


And if you ever see their "Censored" rich copper ale, know that the original name of the brew was "The Kronic." Back when it was released, the Kronic moniker was considered in poor taste and was subsequently censored by our friends at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms aka the ATF. I find it hard to believe that they have nothing better to do than censor beer labels and come after me and my gunz.


The next brewery we tried was the Russian River Brewing Company in downtown Santa Rosa. Again, this brewery isn't quite in Sonoma but it's pretty close. I highly recommend checking this place out if you're in the area. I remember seeing this brewery featured on some TV show but haven't tried their brew prior to that visit. Here's their beer list:


Well, you can't see shit but it's there. I love trying new things and every single beer on that board was new to me. So, we decided to try them all with a sampler set.


Their best beer by far is their double IPA, Pliny the Elder. It's the one at 4 o'clock on the wheel o' bur. If you ever...evereverever see that beer on tap in LA, give me call and order a pint because I'll be on my way.

Here's the wheel 'o bur again except now it looks a little deflated. The two samples on the far side of the wheel came with the sampler as well but there wasn't enough room for them all.


The cheese stands alone...


And then there was none...


And the second best part (the first being pliny) about this whole visit was the bill. We had:

• 1 small lorenzo pizza
• 1 gorgonzola salad
• 3 pints of bur
• 1 sampler set
• an additional sample of pliny
  

total before tax & tip: $44.25


Not bad at all.

The last brewery we visited was the Bear Republic Brewing Company. This one actually is in Sonoma! Unfortunately, I don't have that many pictures of the place or the beers since we stopped by after a day of wine tasting. Needless to say, we were a bit tired and just wanted to sit back and chill. In my opinion, there best beer is their double IPA, Racer X. I haven't been able to find this in bars or restaurants. I have seen their Racer 5, though. I would say Racer 5 is a close second to their X.

We had a couple of beers and then had to bounce. Once again, I was impressed with the price of booze. Our bill was a whopping six doolars.


In LA, this would have easily cost $8~10. That doesn't sound like much difference but it adds up after a few rounds. As we headed out of the bar, I was suddenly attacked by a bear hiding behind one of their tanks. Susie just stood there and took a picture.


My instinct took over as I roared with anger and unleashed by torso mounted rail gunz on the ferocious beast. When the dust settled, my gunz and I stood over the dead bear. How many people can say that they've gone wine tasting, beer tasting, and killed a bear with their bare hands in a single day? Just one...

Bear wrestling aside, I learned a lot about beer this trip. It entirely changed my view on hoppy beers and it introduced me to about a dozen beers I haven't previously tasted. In closing, I highly encourage you to try the following beers should the opportunity every arise.

• Lagunitas IPA
• Pliny the Elder by Russian River Brewing Company
• Racer X or Racer 5 by Bear Republic Brewing Company
• West Coast IPA by Green Flash Brewing Company

I know I didn't talk about the last one on that list. We didn't go to the Green Flash brewery. We had the opportunity to try it at this bar in Santa Cruz called 99 bottles. Suffice to say that it's a good bur; I wouldn't recommend it otherwise.

Cheers, bitches.

The Price of the Gun Show

The only way I know how to begin this post is with a sigh.

Sigh...

Ladies, do you have any idea of what I go through to polish deez gunz?  Seriously!  Take a look at this:

Now, the other gun.

Oh, my shirt?  I left it over thurrrr...

Gunz is serious business.  And the polishing of said gunz can be a dirty, filthy task that is not for those lacking in testicular fortitude.  

I was in the locker room at the gym yesterday.  I was hunched over my gym bag putting my stuff away.  There I was, minding my own business, packing up my shit and getting ready to leave.  Then a man came out of the shower.

A older man.

An older, naked man.

Guess where his locker was?

He strolled across the locker room bare-ass naked and air drying his junk.  He walked towards me, took one step past, and hung a left.  Towards me.  As he reached for his locker which was one over and one above mine, he nearly put my eye out with his shriveled pecker.  It literally stopped inches away from my face.  WTF, people.

I immediately stood up, retreating my face from his happy place.  He seemed completely oblivious to the fact that he parked his bologna pony in the no parking zone that is around me head.  How the fuck does a guy not know where he's sticking that thing?  I've seen some pretty disgusting shit in the men's locker room before but this was one of the worst.  Second worst, to be specific.

It would have been the absolute worst had it not been for my experience tonight.  Once again, it was in the locker room and I had just finished polishing my gunz.  I think it goes without saying that a men's locker room stinks to high heaven.  The stench is usually a combination of mildew, sweat, piss, shit, and designer imposters cologne.  I hope you weren't eating.

I walked in there tonight and I was assaulted with an unholy stank.  It was a funk to end all funk.   It burned my nose and throat to breathe.  It was especially punishing since I had just finished my workout and so my breathing was deep and heavy.  This wasn't the usual aforementioned potpourri.  One particular ingredient overpowered the rest.  There was One stench to rule them all.  It was shit.

Some cretin had taken a shit in the locker room.  No, I don't mean someone popped a squat on the can and pinched a loaf.  I mean someone dropped a deuce on the locker room floor.  

It was absolutely revolting.  There were about four light brown turds near the lockers, about 8 lockers down from mine.  Let's be clear here:  these were not dingleberries.  These were grade A, USDA certified turds.  They were strewn about a small area on the floor, not piled up.  This arrangement made the head count easy in case any of you were thinking I had to get closer to count.  You sick bastards.

The guy that came in several seconds after me was hit with the same stifling death cloud.  He flinched; he physically flinched.  He took a look around, noticed the shit, and jumped back.  What happened next was something I didn't understand.

He was clearly revolted by what he saw but he took a step forward, bent down, and stuck his face closer.  teh fuck, people?!?!  Looks like shit, smells like shit, hmmm...   Must be a cream pie!  I guess he couldn't believe what his senses were telling him.  I didn't need a double take to believe what I was seeing.  However, I did have trouble believing how teh fuck someone can just take a shit on the floor of the men's locker room.  

Despite the misfortune of finding something so vile, there were at least two people worse off then I was.  One was the guy that had to stick his face closer to believe it.  The other was the guy that stepped in it.  There was a partial footprint in one of the logs.  Some hapless soul had wandered in, probably smelled the incredible stench, but didn't think to look down before stepping towards his locker.  And yes, I checked my shoe.  It wasn't me.  

So that's what I go through several times a week to polish deez gunz.  Don't ever take it for granted.  Feel free to scroll up and look at them again.  Feel free to touch yourself, too.

Blue October Concert

While at work today, I went to take a leak sometime around 2:30 in the afternoon. I strolled up to a urinal that was in mid-flush and I immediately realized that the guy who was there before me had asparagus for lunch. Yeah, I know. That's fuckin sick.

I absolutely had to share that with everyone. Not only does it make up for my utterly unimaginative title for this post, but I feel it gives the reader some insight into my mental playground. It's fun sometimes. Other times it smells funny.

Here are some pictures from the Blue October concert my roommate, gf, and I went to recently. It was at the Club Nokia which is in the new LA Live complex that is next to Staples. The venue is very new and by far the purtiest that I have been to. The staff was a bunch of n00bs but that's probably par for a new joint. The drinks were pricey but that's par for a concert in downtown LA.

Here's a pic of the stage before the show got started.


Technically, this was in the middle of the show as it was after the opening band's set. Honestly, I don't consider this particular opening act as part of the show; it'd be an insult to the show. Perhaps, it would qualify as a side show.

It was this lackluster band called "Ours" and I really don't care to link their website. It was by far the most craptacular opening act I had ever seen. I think they should change their name to "Theirs" as I don't want any of it. It's all Thurzzz. Prior to the concert, my homie Brent told me that Ours was "kinda" big however many years ago. And yes, he did the air quotes when he said, "kinda." Now I understand exactly what he was driving at although I think he overstated their prior success.

Here's a pic of Blue October rocking out.


We paid a little extra (~$5) to get into the VIP area which included balcony seats and access to the VIP bar that was pass a security guard, beyond a velvet rope, and up an elevator. You know, kinda like getting into the Bat Cave. On the right of the pic, you can see all the unimportant people standing in their unimportant people area next to other unimportant people. Please, join me in an evil laugh. Muahahahahaha!!!

I'm glad we purchased the balcony seats. Not only because I am a very VIP, but it was also assigned seating so that you could sit down and take a nap during the opening act. The unimportant people area was all general admission. We also lucked out and got seats pretty close to the edge of the balcony as you can tell by the railing in the pic. It woulda been nicer if were closer to the center of the stage but ah well.

Also, you can sorta make out some camera guys at the foot of the stage. They were shooting a video for one of their new songs "Say it". Maybe we'll be in it. I did flash my man boobs after all. They actually played this song twice because they were shooting the video. I guess they needed to be sure that they had enough useable footage. Maybe they wanted more shots of my fabulous teats.

Here's another pic of the band. The lead singer is spittin his lyrics on the masses.

I honestly think he's a very talented lyricist. I'm able to understand what he's trying to say without thinking about it too much. It just kinda clicks most of the time. The analogies that he uses to describe emotions are spot on. I may not feel like he does but I am able to understand what he is feeling.

They did a lot of new material from their album that was released a few days after the concert. It's called "Approaching Normal" for those that are interested. Despite not knowing any of the new songs they performed, I really had a good time and it got me looking forward to the album release. I highly recommend listening through some of the songs on their website.

They also performed a few songs from previous albums which was awesome. Though not enough if you ask me. Sadly, they skipped out on doing an encore. Encore fail, I know. Maybe they thought because they played "Say it" twice that the second time counted as the encore. Whatever. Overall, I thought it was a great concert and well worth being bent over by ticketmaster. DIAF, ticketmaster. May the genitals of every member of your board of directors be covered in infected, oozing pustules.

That sickening slide

Psschoooom!

Psschoooom!

Psschoooom!

Psschoooom!

Psschoooom!

That was just a sample of the 21 gun salute that I was doing at the gym.  It was riveting.  Had this not been a drill, each psschoooom would have had paaaaaaanties dropping.  Unfortunately, I didn't make it all the way through.  One of my gunz, the right battery, erupted in fiery pain somewhere around the 14th psschoooom.

With gunz flexed, I suspended myself 2 ft off the ground with a 30 lb weight between my legs.  While also holding a dumbbell between my feet, I proceeded with my set of tricep dips.  I lowered myself and slowly raised up again.

Psschoooom!

Back down and up again.  

Psschoooom!

Down, and slowly up.

hisssss...KABOOM!  My right man boob explodes in searing pain.  That slow, sickening slide of corded muscle coming undone creates a sharp, stretching sensation just adjacent to my armpit.  I let go of the weight and dropped off the station onto my bum ankle.  (Why do I have a bum ankle?  That's another story.)  I stumbled a bit and grabbed my boob in agony.  That was the end of that.

I had to baby my right gun for the rest of the night.  I managed to finish my workout with some modification to my routine.  Why didn't I stop for the night?  I don't let myself off that easily; I do have two gunz afterall. But it did get me thinking about how much it would suck to lose the use of my right arm.

If I were a smurf, then I would be lefty smurf.  

If I were Rick Allen, the drummer for Def Leppard, then I would not be able to keep a beat.

If I were a pirate, then I would be Captain Hook.  Yar no.

If I were Chris Brown, then I would not be able to lay down my strong pimp hand while steering the car.

If I were Voltron, then I would be missing the red lion and I would not be able to form my blazing sword.

Yeah, it would definitely suck.