Lookin more like Freddie Jackson

It's rare that I post this often but this needs to be said.

Ugly bitches.

That's right, that's what I said. Know your fuckin' role.

Do NOT under any circumstances hog gym equipment while flirting with a guy. Do not do it. You're not hot enough to pull it off. Hot chicks can get away with it because the person waiting - most likely one or more dudes - at least has something to look at while the hot chick is playing the damsel in distress.

Don't be coy.
Don't bat your lashes.
Don't act helpless.
Stop trying to get him to touch your thigh.

He won't ask for your number since he just threw up in his mouth.

You don't see me struttin' my gut at the front of your turbo kick boxing class. I know my role. My big uncoordinated ass belongs in the back. Nor do I park it on your thigh master with my legs spread eagle. Again - knowin' the role.

If you must flirt with the poor guy, get off the equipment and move out of the way. If you're smart, then you'll back the guy into a corner so he can't run.

Tighter Gun Control

Yesterday, I was at the gym polishing my gunz. I've been doing this about 3-5 times a week for the last several years. One thing that I have never understood is why the hell do some guys wear there sunglasses at an indoor gym. It boggles my freakin' mind. Stunnaz, gym shorts, and hairy legs do not look cool.

Yesterday, it was some middle-aged, white dude in mid-thigh shorts and a white under-shirt. And shades. I'm generally not this critical of a dude's gym attire provided he's not wearing boy shorts. But the freakin shades have got to stop!!!

Chicks never do it; understandably so since they'd wanna see my gun show with their own naked eyes. They're like water cannons in that respect cuz it gets'em all wet. Ah, yeah...

Then it hit me. No, not the massive recoil from my gunz as they fire. I've gotten used to that.

No, it occurred to me why some dudes wear their shades in the weight room. It's my fault. It's my polished gunz. The shine off these bad boyz can be blinding to the naked eye. In the future, I will try not to stand in direct sunlight while my gunz are out of their holsters. Hopefully, the need for eye protection will be minimized and these dudes won't look so much like pretentious pole smokers.

IM Sexy Time

My gf and I were discussing what my plans were for the rest of the day. Here's how it went:

Her - you going to gym?
Me - maybe. i have my stuff
Me - depends on how i feel at
Me - 3
Her - yeah
Her - shouldn't be crowded though
Me - hope not
Me - this would be the 4th day in a row so i might feel kinda tired
Her - true
Me - though i normally don't let myself get away with that
Me - i'm eating now so hopefully won't be too full at 3
Her - and i might tire you out later too =)
Me - ooh
Me - perhaps i can get my ezercise that way
Her - we have to properly celebrate holiday weekend!
Me - indeed
Me - with booze, fireworks, and other things that might explode on your face
Her - lol
Her- that's funny
Her - you should put that in your blog
Me - cuz it's true!
Me - i should
Her - it is true!
Me - cutting and pasting

That's how you do shit.

Czech! Czech! Czcech! All night long!!!

My higher education continues at another beer tasting event hosted by the LMU Alumni Association. It was the same hosts, same venue, but a different theme. This time it was European beers. I had high hopes for this event as I have a healthy respect for European beers. After all, Newcastle comes from Newcastle, England and Belgian ales come from Belgium, naturally.

The last tasting featured a broad spectrum of beers from California. There were variations in style as well as drinkability. One thing that really stood out during the Cali tasting is that some beers were not meant to be bottled. They were meant to be canned - shit canned that is. Generally, these are the ones that tasted like urine drank from a hobo's boot. See my earlier post about my first beer tasting for details.

The Euro tasting was as varied in style but less so in drinkability. The tasting included pilsners, stouts, ales, as well as several others that I don't remember. However, none of the beers were horrible; all were drinkable. Perhaps this means that on average, Euro beers are better than Cali beers. I don't think it's fair to formulate this opinion yet as I've had such a small sample size of all the beers out there. I'll revisit this comparison after more testing.

Of course, some were better than others and that is to be expected. Since I lost my beer tasting cheat sheet between the time of the tasting and the time of this post, I'll only mention those that surprised me in one way or another.

First on the docket is Murphy's Irish Stout.
Despite the dark color and the style, this beer is surprisingly light in consistency and sweet. Well, it's not sweet like milk chocolate but if you've ever had Guiness then this is the polar opposite. Another plus is that this beer is available at BevMo and is reasonably priced at $6.49 for a 4 pack. Overall, this beer was a very pleasant surprise and I would definitely take this over a Corona or a Heine.

Next is teh Gulden Draak.

Ah, a Belgian ale! Zesty!!! This one was unique from the others that I've had. The bottle was all white and opaque. This protects the beer from light which can degrade the quality of the beer over time. This Belgian ale wasn't bad but I've had better. It wasn't as sweet as I'm normally used to but not to say that it tasted like ass; it was decent. I'd drink it but I probably wouldn't buy it again over some of my other favorite Belgian ales. Like other Belgian ales, this one isn't cheap; it's $11.99 for a 750 mL bottle at BevMo.

Last, the weiner of the evening: Pilsner Urquell.

Since the tasting, I've already gone through a couple cases of this stuff. It's that good. It's got a nice golden color, great flavor, and a very slight bitter finish that I think caps off every sip perfectly. I definitely would not hesitate to order this at a bar. I'm not sure how it stacks up against my current favorites but I feel it's already earned a place amongst them. I'll probably be picking up 12 pks time again since they are reasonably priced at $12.99 at BevMo.

Savin' that Mad Cream

Paris: What would you do to a muthafucka stoopid enough to leave their credit card information in the gas pump?
Cisco: ...I buy sum gas!!!
Paris: "I buy sum gas!!!" Give the man a gold star!

Alright, so that's not exactly how it's said in The Big Hit but my paltry attempts at humor could not do justice to this timeless movie.

But the question remains: What would you do if the person ahead of you at the gas pump left their credit card info in the pump allowing you to purchase gas on their dime?

Would you hit it and cry all the way home while riding on a full tank of free gas? Or would you quit it and be the honest joe?

Regardless of your answer, just remember not to be that person that left his/her information in the pump. Make sure you check the prompt on the pump after you're through being raped at the gas station.

Pillow Talk

Teh breezie and I were lounging around the other day doing nothing in particular, talking about nothing in particular. So I decide to whip out some bra-busting, panty-dropping pillow talk. Now, imagine this in a soft whisper:

me: blah blah blah
her: tee hee
me: blah blah blah
her: uh huh
me: blah blah donkey punch
her: wtf lol

All pillow talk eventually ends with the topic of donkey punches. And if yours isn't, then you should be asking yourself why. Why? Because it's the unicorn of sexual maneuvers. Check it out:

It's talked about.
It's written about.
It's dreamed about.
But no one has actually seen it.

Everything else has been done. It's a bold claim, I know. But think about it:

• Dirty Sanchez: This is supposedly performed in the Screeched sex tape starring Dustin Diamond of Saved by the Bell. I haven't seen it personally but it says so on wikipedia so it must be true.
• Cleveland Steamer: I think scat play has gotta be done to death. If it wasn't covered in 2 girls 1 cup, then just search for any Japanese scat videos; maybe German shieza pr0n, too.
  
• Shocker: Srsly? Not even a challenge.
  
• Snowball: I know I've seen it in a number of internet pr0n vids. It's been done. And yes - I admit it. I've watched pr0n on teh internet. Get over it.
  

The list goes on but the mythical Donkey Punch remains elusive. Hell, it's the one thing that google can't find.

If anyone out there has witnessed it, then screenshot or it didn't happen. But before we get into identifying precedence, let's lay down some definitions. According to the distinguished Urban Dictionary:

"The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better (for you of course)."

The closest thing I could find to pictorial evidence is this:


That's a little too literal but the general idea is there. I'm counting on the masses - my 5 peep strong fan base - to go forth and prove the existence of the Donkey Punch. To hell with Big foot, Nessie, and alien abductions. This myth is one for the ages.

Blah blah blah. Tee Hee.
Blah blah blah. Uh huh. donkey
punch. WTF? LOL!

Yeah, I know - that was too easy.

The k.d. lang paradox

K.d. Lang goes to
my gym. Oops, it's just a dude
with the same haircut.

True story.

By itself, the above haiku isn't very significant but I thought it blog-worthy because it was the most spontaneous piece of poetry I have ever written. Those words just fell into my head and I quickly realized that it could fit the 5-7-5 pattern by swapping a word or two. Ta-da! Damn, I'm good.

Anyway, the dude really did look like a slimmer, younger k.d. Lang. That being said, I was left with a peculiar paradox. Does this dude look like a lady? "Yes," is my first impression. Hence, I immediately likened him to the female-ish singer.

However, the more I think about it the more I want to say, "No, dude look-a-like-a mang." Here's how I figure:

This guy looks like k.d. Lang.
K.d. Lang has no discernible female features.
Consequently, k.d. Lang look-a-like-a mang.
Ergo, this guy look-a-like-a mang.

QED, bitches.