Straight up Canton Style!

Merry Christmas! I know I'm a day late in creating a Christmas post but I needed time to digest some of the events that occurred yesterday. It was some of the most raw and unforgiving images of human savagery that I have ever witnessed. It reminded me of Lord of The Flies except all the stranded kids were Chinese. No... it was like watching Boyz in the Hood, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, and the Coming to America all at once.

My family and I went out for dim sum for Christmas lunch. For all those not in the know, dim sum tends to be a brunch/lunch kinda thing. It tends to be consumed between the hours of 9:30 AM to 2:00 PM. Arguably, this could have been one of the factors that led up to the Cultural Plaza Travesty. (The restaurant we chose was in the Cultural Plaza in Hawaii.) For all those not familiar with Oahu, the Cultural Plaza is a collection of shops, restaurants, and offices that deal with all things Chinese; be it food, books, dance studios, salons, or Chinese societies with designs for world domination.

The second key factor that led up to the impending events is that apparently a LOT Chinese people go out for dim sum on Christmas. My guesstimate would fall around a metric shit ton. What else is there to do? Everywhere else is closed on Christmas Day. But not Chinese restaurants; which leads us to the third factor.

My people have capitalized on this once-a-year golden opportunity to be the only establishments open to those who want to eat out (tee hee) on their day off. I believe the only other eating establishment that was open was Jack in The Box. As much as I love eating at The Box (tee hee hee), I wouldn't consider it a restaurant. Restaurants tend to have service, a wait staff, a menu that isn't plastered on the wall, and table cloths (not always).

We walked into Empress Seafood at the Cultural Plaza around 11:45 and it was utter chaos: there were Chinese people milling and rushing about everywhere. This shit was straight up Canton Style!

The idea of a host that greets and seats the guests had been abolished. Whoever the host was was deemed incompetent by the masses or perhaps was scared off by the sea of humanity that descended upon the restaurant. People were rushing about, seating themselves. Families would hover over tables that were being cleared by bus boys or even families that were paying the bill. We were like hoodlums that hovered and leered over someone else's personal property. As soon as it was left alone, we yoinked. Yes, we....

We found a table that was recently vacated but not cleared and we circled it. A passing bus boy hurriedly cleared table and we sat down before another family could swoop in. As the bus boy removed the soiled table cloth, he asks if it's cool if he doesn't replace it with another. We're fine with it so he removes the old one, plops down some flatware (sets it down, not distribute it) and runs off to the next table. So much for service and a table cloth. That's how we do shit in teh 808.

Normally during dim sum, food e.g. dumplings and buns are brought out on carts that are equipped with some sort of warming apparatus that keeps the food warm as it takes it tour of the restaurant, sauces, oils, and a pair of scissors to cut the larger dumplings. Now imagine that this restaurant is an azn hood and these food carts are pimped out Escalades. These carts didn't make it 20 ft from the kitchen door. As soon as it rolled into the hood, it was swarmed by hungry thugs that stripped it of every bamboo steamer. Only the crappy dumplings were left and these are the equivalent of the AM/FM radio. It was crazy, the cart would be stripped in 30 seconds flat. Canton style, bitch!

Since the food carts couldn't keep up with the crowd, the restaurant started rolling out these makeshift carts to try to get food to the tables further from the kitchen. These carts were plain POS push carts with minimal stacks of bamboo steamers. There were no heating apparatus, no sauces, oils, or scissors. These stripped down carts reminded me of fixed up jilopies that roll through the hood. These are the Civics and Integras with wings, body kits, and a bondo-primer paint job. They might have an exhaust on it to give it that farty bass sound as it rolls past. All that was missing from these food carts were the owner's last names printed across the back in bold, old english letters.

By the time we were done eating, the masses has subsided; no one was hovering over our table and there were no longer people standing about the restaurant. Whew, relief! Or so I thought.

Where do you think they all went?

Probably to the same place we planned to go after finishing our meal w/ no where else to go.

To the parking garage.

We all know the stereotype of asian drivers all too well so I'm not gonna reiterate. It took an hour to get our of that parking garage - that's not an exaggeration. A whole freakin' hour to get down 5 levels of parking garage because everyone and their mother-in-law was trying to back out of their stall and get out. Unbelievable. I've gotten out of packed stadiums and arenas much quicker than that.

In light of all this, I think a true Christmas miracle occured yesterday. How else would you explain all those asian drivers maneuvering through such a confined space as a parking garage in Chinatown and there not be any accidents. Zero. Amazing.

Fun with Google!

I have no idea what inspired me to do this. I think it was out of sheer boredom since I'm stranded at my parent's house. (My dad took the car so he could go to work on Christmas Eve. ppsshhhh. the nerve!) I am living proof that an idle mind is the devil's playground.

Who has used Google! Images before? Most everybody, I'm sure. It's pretty nifty; it allows you to search the internets for pics based on your keywords. For example if you searched for puppies, your search results would return pics such as this:

You get the idea. So I came up with a little game where I create a post full of pics that I searched for on Google! Images and the reader has to guess what my keywords were. For example, given the pic below, could you guess what my search keyword was?


If your answer is "shitcan," then you are wrong! WRONG!!! The answer is deuce! Give it a shot and Google it. If you were smart, you would have moused over the pic and saw the name of the jpeg in your web browser. At least, firefox shows it. These h4x will be unavailable in the pics to come. Good luck and post your answers.

Pic 1: Let's start off easy.



Pic 2: He's quite the messy eater.


Pic 3: The first two are pretty easy, I think. The rest will be a little tougher. Take a very close look at D'z.


Pic 4: Harder still...


Pic 5:

How many did you get? Post your answers if you think you got them all. If you enjoyed this, then great! I'll post more in the near future. If not, then tough shit because I already did the leg work and I'm not letting it go to waste.

Attention to Detail

It's been so long since I've posted anything here. It's not for lack of inspiration nor the lack of subject matter. It's that time is scarce. I'm on vacation now and I have a bit more time on my hands to develop posts that I hope others find worthwhile. A lot of time and thought goes into each of these posts; my readers deserve nothing less. And it's nice to see other give the same attention to detail to their work as I do to mine. Case in point:

My girlfriend and I went shopping at Victoria's Secret the other day. Honestly, this was the first occasion that I spent any significant amount of time in a VS store. And it's cool. It not quite like walking into the VS catalog; it's definitely more real. The women aren't all hot. The tits aren't all luscious. Shit, some of the chicks weren't even legal yet... Yet.

So here I am, perusing the paaaanties. And I gotta hand it to you ladies, there is so much more variety in women's underwear than in men's. Men's is pretty mundane; there's briefs, boxers, boxer-briefs, and banana hammocks. You can try to dress them up in different patterns and colors but that's pretty much all there is to it. Women's paaaanties, on the other hand, are not only varied in cut and color, but in decor. There's ribbons, ruffles, rhinestones, chiffon (lulz Ryan), and bold print written across your ass-cheeks. My favorite was a pair of paaaanties that looked like a mini-tuxedo with little buttons and a little bow tie atop teh vag. Who would have thought to dress a clam to look like a penguin. You gotta love that ingenuity and attention to detail.

But that's where the effort ended.

So, I'm poking around the store looking at everything and it all looks great. I look beneath the table on which the paaaanties are displayed and I see drawers that organize the displayed paaaanties by size. The drawers were organized as such from top to bottom:

Extra Small (top drawer)
Small
Medium
Large
Extra Large (bottom drawer)

Can anyone tell me what teh fuck is wrong with this picture? What. The. Fuck. Are the fatty girl panties doing all the way at the bottom. I do not under any circumstances want to see a girl that is shopping for that size bend over so that she can poke through the bottom drawer. The XL panties should be at the top, while the XS paaaanties should be at the bottom. That's the vertical smile that I wanna see. I wanna see the girl the wears the XS bend over and wink at me with her brown eye. The XL land beast should stay upright as often as possible.

I'm mean, right? \/\/hatever. I'm not the one that put XL at the bottom drawer. That person should be shot along with the person that made lingerie in that size.

Not it

In light of this article, I feel I should post a warning detailing the various side effects my Johnson might have on women. The effects are as follows:

• Heavy breathing
• Curled toes
  
• Swelling of the nipples
• Excessive vaginal moisture
• Temporary blindness*

*Temporary blindness has occurred in rare test cases where the subject's retina comes in contact with a stray rope. This can be avoided via thorough rope ingestion.

Also, let it made clear that there have been no documented cases of Steven's Johnson causing excessive swelling of the abdomen followed by lactation in women.

Steven's Johnson should not be administered to minors.

This is not to be confused with the Stevens-Johnson syndrome in the aforementioned article.

Women have taken Steven's Johnson as part of their religious faith. Soon after injection, subjects are often screaming, "OH, GOD!!!!"

80's Revival

Tonight, I was polishing my gunz at the gym again and a familiar song started to play over the speaker system. It was a song from the 80's that I had heard so many times before. But this time, it was different. Tonight, it was like hearing it for the first time. And it made me giggle like a school girl. What was the song?

Sweet dreams are made of deeeeeez.
Who am I to disagree?

Tee hee hee hee. Who is anyone to disagree with that?

Lookin more like Freddie Jackson

It's rare that I post this often but this needs to be said.

Ugly bitches.

That's right, that's what I said. Know your fuckin' role.

Do NOT under any circumstances hog gym equipment while flirting with a guy. Do not do it. You're not hot enough to pull it off. Hot chicks can get away with it because the person waiting - most likely one or more dudes - at least has something to look at while the hot chick is playing the damsel in distress.

Don't be coy.
Don't bat your lashes.
Don't act helpless.
Stop trying to get him to touch your thigh.

He won't ask for your number since he just threw up in his mouth.

You don't see me struttin' my gut at the front of your turbo kick boxing class. I know my role. My big uncoordinated ass belongs in the back. Nor do I park it on your thigh master with my legs spread eagle. Again - knowin' the role.

If you must flirt with the poor guy, get off the equipment and move out of the way. If you're smart, then you'll back the guy into a corner so he can't run.

Tighter Gun Control

Yesterday, I was at the gym polishing my gunz. I've been doing this about 3-5 times a week for the last several years. One thing that I have never understood is why the hell do some guys wear there sunglasses at an indoor gym. It boggles my freakin' mind. Stunnaz, gym shorts, and hairy legs do not look cool.

Yesterday, it was some middle-aged, white dude in mid-thigh shorts and a white under-shirt. And shades. I'm generally not this critical of a dude's gym attire provided he's not wearing boy shorts. But the freakin shades have got to stop!!!

Chicks never do it; understandably so since they'd wanna see my gun show with their own naked eyes. They're like water cannons in that respect cuz it gets'em all wet. Ah, yeah...

Then it hit me. No, not the massive recoil from my gunz as they fire. I've gotten used to that.

No, it occurred to me why some dudes wear their shades in the weight room. It's my fault. It's my polished gunz. The shine off these bad boyz can be blinding to the naked eye. In the future, I will try not to stand in direct sunlight while my gunz are out of their holsters. Hopefully, the need for eye protection will be minimized and these dudes won't look so much like pretentious pole smokers.