A priest and a rabbi walk into the men's locker room

A priest and a rabbi walk into the men's locker room and both their fuckin lockers are right next to mine. WTF!!! Why is it that there are 3 people in an entire locker room with over 120 lockers and all 3 of our lockers are near adjacent. Why, cruel universe ?!!?!

OK, it wasn't a priest and a rabbi. It was couple of sweaty fat dudes but you get the point. Last night's visit to the gym was so shitty that I think it added to my stress. By the time I was through, I was disgruntled, annoyed, and in a rush to get the fuck outta there. Why was I in a rush? Read on.

First off, the clusterfuck around my locker happens as I'm changing into my gym clothes. The 2 other dudes that had just finished their workout can't help that our lockers are right next to each other. It wasn't intentional; it was just a cruel twist of fate. What those homos could have done was to have a little patience and realize that all our asses could not occupy the same volume of fuckin space at the same time. (As you can see, my anger has not completely subsided. And for the sake of posterity, I risk whipping myself into a frenzy again.) So in a flurry of elbows, chaffed thighs, and bitch tits, I quickly finish changing with complete disregard for the whales that have beached themselves next to me. I give as good as I get.

After I changed, I move into the gym area to stretch. Before I continue this diatribe, realize that LA gym's are a different flavor that those in Hawaii. The people are VERY different. In general, the folks in Hawaii's gyms are much nicer. They are polite, courteous, and helpful. Most of all - they pick up their shit. They don't just drop whatever equipment they are finished with and walk off. Not so at my gym in LA. Most men here are like 5 yrs olds -when they're done with something, it's dropped and forgotten about and they move on. I have nothing but contempt and loathing for these failed abortions.

Anyway, I move on to stretch and I see an exercise mat laying around and no one using it. Well, I shift it over a bit and prepare to do my business. Just then, this short, fat, black guy says, "Hey! I'm using that!" in a not-so-friendly way. It's like he wanted fuckin reparations from me or something. This meathead that was standing so many feet away flapping his big lips was apparently using this mat. Well shit son, by that logic, he's using everything in this motherfucker. Still, I do not hold him responsible for this offense. I blame his crack whore mother for missing him with the coat hanger when he was a fetus.

At this point, I sigh and move on. I've accepted that most men in this gym are assholes with no social skills. I pick up another mat and move over to stretch by a couple of ladies. They say nothing. I say nothing. We mutually accept each other's presence and go about our business. We don't get in each other's way and by no means are we rude to one another. Much better.

I'm done stretching and I start on the treadmill. Fifteen minutes into it and I'm doing great. My form is good, my breathing is easy, and I'm thinking I can easily do the full run today. No more assholes around to annoy me or otherwise ruin my workout.

Except one.

Mine.

Yeah. The worst timing ever. I'm finally get into a groove and the kids start clamoring about being dropped off at the pool. Holding it is not as easy as it normally is. Most people sit down when their holding it. Or if they are walking over to the pot, then they do a bow-legged waddle while keeping both buttcheeks clenched. Try either of those on a treadmill. There's a lot of bouncing around; a lot of flexing and relaxing of the muscles that govern the lower extremities so it's not like I could just pucker up. All things considered, I think I did fairly well. I resisted until it was no longer prudent which was about another 15 minutes and then I got the fuck outta dodge. Hence, I left the gym disgruntled, annoyed, and in a rush.

Other things that annoy me at the gym:

• Slime trails AKA lard residue AKA beads of sweat left on equipment as a parting gift for the next person.
  
• Double wide women that walk shoulder to shoulder at a snail's pace as they leave their aerobics class. I always get stuck walking behind them and let me tell you - the view isn't pretty.
• Stinky dudes that stand in front of the fan in the men's locker room. Yes, you're hot and sweaty. Cool off by taking a dip in the toilet with the rest of the turds.
  
• Men with foot fungus that walk around barefoot and spray their feet with Tinactin spray or some such anti foot funk spray. It leaves a negative image of their diseased foot on the ground to remind you where not too step. Maybe their foot wouldn't be rotting off if they didn't walk around the locker room barefoot. Rtards.
• Male staff at the front desk that offer dick to all the women that walk in instead of scanning the membership cards of peeps that walk in as its their job. Maybe you can impress her with your 1337 bar code scanning skillz.