Pic 1. ez mode
Pic 2.
Pic 3.
Pic 4.
Pic 5. This one could be tough.
Think you got the answers? Post 'em up.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
More fun with Google!
This is the next installment of my super-duper fun time game started in this post. The game is simple: I show a bunch of pics and you try to guess what my Google! Images search criteria was that returned each of the pics. And away we go!
Pic 1. ez mode
Pic 2.
Pic 3.
Pic 4.
Pic 5. This one could be tough.
Think you got the answers? Post 'em up.
Pic 1. ez mode
Pic 2.
Pic 3.
Pic 4.
Pic 5. This one could be tough.
Think you got the answers? Post 'em up.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
A passing glance
I saw a woman
at the bus stop with a cart
of floral print bags.
No, I was mista-
ken. She was wearing a muu
muu. It was all her.
at the bus stop with a cart
of floral print bags.
No, I was mista-
ken. She was wearing a muu
muu. It was all her.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Straight up Canton Style!
Merry Christmas! I know I'm a day late in creating a Christmas post but I needed time to digest some of the events that occurred yesterday. It was some of the most raw and unforgiving images of human savagery that I have ever witnessed. It reminded me of Lord of The Flies except all the stranded kids were Chinese. No... it was like watching Boyz in the Hood, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, and the Coming to America all at once.
My family and I went out for dim sum for Christmas lunch. For all those not in the know, dim sum tends to be a brunch/lunch kinda thing. It tends to be consumed between the hours of 9:30 AM to 2:00 PM. Arguably, this could have been one of the factors that led up to the Cultural Plaza Travesty. (The restaurant we chose was in the Cultural Plaza in Hawaii.) For all those not familiar with Oahu, the Cultural Plaza is a collection of shops, restaurants, and offices that deal with all things Chinese; be it food, books, dance studios, salons, or Chinese societies with designs for world domination.
The second key factor that led up to the impending events is that apparently a LOT Chinese people go out for dim sum on Christmas. My guesstimate would fall around a metric shit ton. What else is there to do? Everywhere else is closed on Christmas Day. But not Chinese restaurants; which leads us to the third factor.
My people have capitalized on this once-a-year golden opportunity to be the only establishments open to those who want to eat out (tee hee) on their day off. I believe the only other eating establishment that was open was Jack in The Box. As much as I love eating at The Box (tee hee hee), I wouldn't consider it a restaurant. Restaurants tend to have service, a wait staff, a menu that isn't plastered on the wall, and table cloths (not always).
We walked into Empress Seafood at the Cultural Plaza around 11:45 and it was utter chaos: there were Chinese people milling and rushing about everywhere. This shit was straight up Canton Style!
The idea of a host that greets and seats the guests had been abolished. Whoever the host was was deemed incompetent by the masses or perhaps was scared off by the sea of humanity that descended upon the restaurant. People were rushing about, seating themselves. Families would hover over tables that were being cleared by bus boys or even families that were paying the bill. We were like hoodlums that hovered and leered over someone else's personal property. As soon as it was left alone, we yoinked. Yes, we....
We found a table that was recently vacated but not cleared and we circled it. A passing bus boy hurriedly cleared table and we sat down before another family could swoop in. As the bus boy removed the soiled table cloth, he asks if it's cool if he doesn't replace it with another. We're fine with it so he removes the old one, plops down some flatware (sets it down, not distribute it) and runs off to the next table. So much for service and a table cloth. That's how we do shit in teh 808.
Normally during dim sum, food e.g. dumplings and buns are brought out on carts that are equipped with some sort of warming apparatus that keeps the food warm as it takes it tour of the restaurant, sauces, oils, and a pair of scissors to cut the larger dumplings. Now imagine that this restaurant is an azn hood and these food carts are pimped out Escalades. These carts didn't make it 20 ft from the kitchen door. As soon as it rolled into the hood, it was swarmed by hungry thugs that stripped it of every bamboo steamer. Only the crappy dumplings were left and these are the equivalent of the AM/FM radio. It was crazy, the cart would be stripped in 30 seconds flat. Canton style, bitch!
Since the food carts couldn't keep up with the crowd, the restaurant started rolling out these makeshift carts to try to get food to the tables further from the kitchen. These carts were plain POS push carts with minimal stacks of bamboo steamers. There were no heating apparatus, no sauces, oils, or scissors. These stripped down carts reminded me of fixed up jilopies that roll through the hood. These are the Civics and Integras with wings, body kits, and a bondo-primer paint job. They might have an exhaust on it to give it that farty bass sound as it rolls past. All that was missing from these food carts were the owner's last names printed across the back in bold, old english letters.
By the time we were done eating, the masses has subsided; no one was hovering over our table and there were no longer people standing about the restaurant. Whew, relief! Or so I thought.
Where do you think they all went?
Probably to the same place we planned to go after finishing our meal w/ no where else to go.
To the parking garage.
We all know the stereotype of asian drivers all too well so I'm not gonna reiterate. It took an hour to get our of that parking garage - that's not an exaggeration. A whole freakin' hour to get down 5 levels of parking garage because everyone and their mother-in-law was trying to back out of their stall and get out. Unbelievable. I've gotten out of packed stadiums and arenas much quicker than that.
In light of all this, I think a true Christmas miracle occured yesterday. How else would you explain all those asian drivers maneuvering through such a confined space as a parking garage in Chinatown and there not be any accidents. Zero. Amazing.
My family and I went out for dim sum for Christmas lunch. For all those not in the know, dim sum tends to be a brunch/lunch kinda thing. It tends to be consumed between the hours of 9:30 AM to 2:00 PM. Arguably, this could have been one of the factors that led up to the Cultural Plaza Travesty. (The restaurant we chose was in the Cultural Plaza in Hawaii.) For all those not familiar with Oahu, the Cultural Plaza is a collection of shops, restaurants, and offices that deal with all things Chinese; be it food, books, dance studios, salons, or Chinese societies with designs for world domination.
The second key factor that led up to the impending events is that apparently a LOT Chinese people go out for dim sum on Christmas. My guesstimate would fall around a metric shit ton. What else is there to do? Everywhere else is closed on Christmas Day. But not Chinese restaurants; which leads us to the third factor.
My people have capitalized on this once-a-year golden opportunity to be the only establishments open to those who want to eat out (tee hee) on their day off. I believe the only other eating establishment that was open was Jack in The Box. As much as I love eating at The Box (tee hee hee), I wouldn't consider it a restaurant. Restaurants tend to have service, a wait staff, a menu that isn't plastered on the wall, and table cloths (not always).
We walked into Empress Seafood at the Cultural Plaza around 11:45 and it was utter chaos: there were Chinese people milling and rushing about everywhere. This shit was straight up Canton Style!
The idea of a host that greets and seats the guests had been abolished. Whoever the host was was deemed incompetent by the masses or perhaps was scared off by the sea of humanity that descended upon the restaurant. People were rushing about, seating themselves. Families would hover over tables that were being cleared by bus boys or even families that were paying the bill. We were like hoodlums that hovered and leered over someone else's personal property. As soon as it was left alone, we yoinked. Yes, we....
We found a table that was recently vacated but not cleared and we circled it. A passing bus boy hurriedly cleared table and we sat down before another family could swoop in. As the bus boy removed the soiled table cloth, he asks if it's cool if he doesn't replace it with another. We're fine with it so he removes the old one, plops down some flatware (sets it down, not distribute it) and runs off to the next table. So much for service and a table cloth. That's how we do shit in teh 808.
Normally during dim sum, food e.g. dumplings and buns are brought out on carts that are equipped with some sort of warming apparatus that keeps the food warm as it takes it tour of the restaurant, sauces, oils, and a pair of scissors to cut the larger dumplings. Now imagine that this restaurant is an azn hood and these food carts are pimped out Escalades. These carts didn't make it 20 ft from the kitchen door. As soon as it rolled into the hood, it was swarmed by hungry thugs that stripped it of every bamboo steamer. Only the crappy dumplings were left and these are the equivalent of the AM/FM radio. It was crazy, the cart would be stripped in 30 seconds flat. Canton style, bitch!
Since the food carts couldn't keep up with the crowd, the restaurant started rolling out these makeshift carts to try to get food to the tables further from the kitchen. These carts were plain POS push carts with minimal stacks of bamboo steamers. There were no heating apparatus, no sauces, oils, or scissors. These stripped down carts reminded me of fixed up jilopies that roll through the hood. These are the Civics and Integras with wings, body kits, and a bondo-primer paint job. They might have an exhaust on it to give it that farty bass sound as it rolls past. All that was missing from these food carts were the owner's last names printed across the back in bold, old english letters.
By the time we were done eating, the masses has subsided; no one was hovering over our table and there were no longer people standing about the restaurant. Whew, relief! Or so I thought.
Where do you think they all went?
Probably to the same place we planned to go after finishing our meal w/ no where else to go.
To the parking garage.
We all know the stereotype of asian drivers all too well so I'm not gonna reiterate. It took an hour to get our of that parking garage - that's not an exaggeration. A whole freakin' hour to get down 5 levels of parking garage because everyone and their mother-in-law was trying to back out of their stall and get out. Unbelievable. I've gotten out of packed stadiums and arenas much quicker than that.
In light of all this, I think a true Christmas miracle occured yesterday. How else would you explain all those asian drivers maneuvering through such a confined space as a parking garage in Chinatown and there not be any accidents. Zero. Amazing.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Fun with Google!
I have no idea what inspired me to do this. I think it was out of sheer boredom since I'm stranded at my parent's house. (My dad took the car so he could go to work on Christmas Eve. ppsshhhh. the nerve!) I am living proof that an idle mind is the devil's playground.
Who has used Google! Images before? Most everybody, I'm sure. It's pretty nifty; it allows you to search the internets for pics based on your keywords. For example if you searched for puppies, your search results would return pics such as this:
You get the idea. So I came up with a little game where I create a post full of pics that I searched for on Google! Images and the reader has to guess what my keywords were. For example, given the pic below, could you guess what my search keyword was?
If your answer is "shitcan," then you are wrong! WRONG!!! The answer is deuce! Give it a shot and Google it. If you were smart, you would have moused over the pic and saw the name of the jpeg in your web browser. At least, firefox shows it. These h4x will be unavailable in the pics to come. Good luck and post your answers.
Pic 1: Let's start off easy.
Pic 2: He's quite the messy eater.
Pic 3: The first two are pretty easy, I think. The rest will be a little tougher. Take a very close look at D'z.
Pic 4: Harder still...
Pic 5:
How many did you get? Post your answers if you think you got them all. If you enjoyed this, then great! I'll post more in the near future. If not, then tough shit because I already did the leg work and I'm not letting it go to waste.
Who has used Google! Images before? Most everybody, I'm sure. It's pretty nifty; it allows you to search the internets for pics based on your keywords. For example if you searched for puppies, your search results would return pics such as this:
You get the idea. So I came up with a little game where I create a post full of pics that I searched for on Google! Images and the reader has to guess what my keywords were. For example, given the pic below, could you guess what my search keyword was?
If your answer is "shitcan," then you are wrong! WRONG!!! The answer is deuce! Give it a shot and Google it. If you were smart, you would have moused over the pic and saw the name of the jpeg in your web browser. At least, firefox shows it. These h4x will be unavailable in the pics to come. Good luck and post your answers.
Pic 1: Let's start off easy.
Pic 2: He's quite the messy eater.
Pic 3: The first two are pretty easy, I think. The rest will be a little tougher. Take a very close look at D'z.
Pic 4: Harder still...
Pic 5:
How many did you get? Post your answers if you think you got them all. If you enjoyed this, then great! I'll post more in the near future. If not, then tough shit because I already did the leg work and I'm not letting it go to waste.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Attention to Detail
It's been so long since I've posted anything here. It's not for lack of inspiration nor the lack of subject matter. It's that time is scarce. I'm on vacation now and I have a bit more time on my hands to develop posts that I hope others find worthwhile. A lot of time and thought goes into each of these posts; my readers deserve nothing less. And it's nice to see other give the same attention to detail to their work as I do to mine. Case in point:
My girlfriend and I went shopping at Victoria's Secret the other day. Honestly, this was the first occasion that I spent any significant amount of time in a VS store. And it's cool. It not quite like walking into the VS catalog; it's definitely more real. The women aren't all hot. The tits aren't all luscious. Shit, some of the chicks weren't even legal yet... Yet.
So here I am, perusing the paaaanties. And I gotta hand it to you ladies, there is so much more variety in women's underwear than in men's. Men's is pretty mundane; there's briefs, boxers, boxer-briefs, and banana hammocks. You can try to dress them up in different patterns and colors but that's pretty much all there is to it. Women's paaaanties, on the other hand, are not only varied in cut and color, but in decor. There's ribbons, ruffles, rhinestones, chiffon (lulz Ryan), and bold print written across your ass-cheeks. My favorite was a pair of paaaanties that looked like a mini-tuxedo with little buttons and a little bow tie atop teh vag. Who would have thought to dress a clam to look like a penguin. You gotta love that ingenuity and attention to detail.
But that's where the effort ended.
So, I'm poking around the store looking at everything and it all looks great. I look beneath the table on which the paaaanties are displayed and I see drawers that organize the displayed paaaanties by size. The drawers were organized as such from top to bottom:
Extra Small (top drawer)
Small
Medium
Large
Extra Large (bottom drawer)
Can anyone tell me what teh fuck is wrong with this picture? What. The. Fuck. Are the fatty girl panties doing all the way at the bottom. I do not under any circumstances want to see a girl that is shopping for that size bend over so that she can poke through the bottom drawer. The XL panties should be at the top, while the XS paaaanties should be at the bottom. That's the vertical smile that I wanna see. I wanna see the girl the wears the XS bend over and wink at me with her brown eye. The XL land beast should stay upright as often as possible.
I'm mean, right? \/\/hatever. I'm not the one that put XL at the bottom drawer. That person should be shot along with the person that made lingerie in that size.
My girlfriend and I went shopping at Victoria's Secret the other day. Honestly, this was the first occasion that I spent any significant amount of time in a VS store. And it's cool. It not quite like walking into the VS catalog; it's definitely more real. The women aren't all hot. The tits aren't all luscious. Shit, some of the chicks weren't even legal yet... Yet.
So here I am, perusing the paaaanties. And I gotta hand it to you ladies, there is so much more variety in women's underwear than in men's. Men's is pretty mundane; there's briefs, boxers, boxer-briefs, and banana hammocks. You can try to dress them up in different patterns and colors but that's pretty much all there is to it. Women's paaaanties, on the other hand, are not only varied in cut and color, but in decor. There's ribbons, ruffles, rhinestones, chiffon (lulz Ryan), and bold print written across your ass-cheeks. My favorite was a pair of paaaanties that looked like a mini-tuxedo with little buttons and a little bow tie atop teh vag. Who would have thought to dress a clam to look like a penguin. You gotta love that ingenuity and attention to detail.
But that's where the effort ended.
So, I'm poking around the store looking at everything and it all looks great. I look beneath the table on which the paaaanties are displayed and I see drawers that organize the displayed paaaanties by size. The drawers were organized as such from top to bottom:
Extra Small (top drawer)
Small
Medium
Large
Extra Large (bottom drawer)
Can anyone tell me what teh fuck is wrong with this picture? What. The. Fuck. Are the fatty girl panties doing all the way at the bottom. I do not under any circumstances want to see a girl that is shopping for that size bend over so that she can poke through the bottom drawer. The XL panties should be at the top, while the XS paaaanties should be at the bottom. That's the vertical smile that I wanna see. I wanna see the girl the wears the XS bend over and wink at me with her brown eye. The XL land beast should stay upright as often as possible.
I'm mean, right? \/\/hatever. I'm not the one that put XL at the bottom drawer. That person should be shot along with the person that made lingerie in that size.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Not it
In light of this article, I feel I should post a warning detailing the various side effects my Johnson might have on women. The effects are as follows:
Also, let it made clear that there have been no documented cases of Steven's Johnson causing excessive swelling of the abdomen followed by lactation in women.
Steven's Johnson should not be administered to minors.
This is not to be confused with the Stevens-Johnson syndrome in the aforementioned article.
Women have taken Steven's Johnson as part of their religious faith. Soon after injection, subjects are often screaming, "OH, GOD!!!!"
- Heavy breathing
- Curled toes
- Swelling of the nipples
- Excessive vaginal moisture
- Temporary blindness*
Also, let it made clear that there have been no documented cases of Steven's Johnson causing excessive swelling of the abdomen followed by lactation in women.
Steven's Johnson should not be administered to minors.
This is not to be confused with the Stevens-Johnson syndrome in the aforementioned article.
Women have taken Steven's Johnson as part of their religious faith. Soon after injection, subjects are often screaming, "OH, GOD!!!!"
Thursday, July 10, 2008
80's Revival
Tonight, I was polishing my gunz at the gym again and a familiar song started to play over the speaker system. It was a song from the 80's that I had heard so many times before. But this time, it was different. Tonight, it was like hearing it for the first time. And it made me giggle like a school girl. What was the song?
Tee hee hee hee. Who is anyone to disagree with that?
Sweet dreams are made of deeeeeez.
Who am I to disagree?
Tee hee hee hee. Who is anyone to disagree with that?
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Lookin more like Freddie Jackson
It's rare that I post this often but this needs to be said.
Ugly bitches.
That's right, that's what I said. Know your fuckin' role.
Do NOT under any circumstances hog gym equipment while flirting with a guy. Do not do it. You're not hot enough to pull it off. Hot chicks can get away with it because the person waiting - most likely one or more dudes - at least has something to look at while the hot chick is playing the damsel in distress.
Don't be coy.
Don't bat your lashes.
Don't act helpless.
Stop trying to get him to touch your thigh.
He won't ask for your number since he just threw up in his mouth.
You don't see me struttin' my gut at the front of your turbo kick boxing class. I know my role. My big uncoordinated ass belongs in the back. Nor do I park it on your thigh master with my legs spread eagle. Again - knowin' the role.
If you must flirt with the poor guy, get off the equipment and move out of the way. If you're smart, then you'll back the guy into a corner so he can't run.
Ugly bitches.
That's right, that's what I said. Know your fuckin' role.
Do NOT under any circumstances hog gym equipment while flirting with a guy. Do not do it. You're not hot enough to pull it off. Hot chicks can get away with it because the person waiting - most likely one or more dudes - at least has something to look at while the hot chick is playing the damsel in distress.
Don't be coy.
Don't bat your lashes.
Don't act helpless.
Stop trying to get him to touch your thigh.
He won't ask for your number since he just threw up in his mouth.
You don't see me struttin' my gut at the front of your turbo kick boxing class. I know my role. My big uncoordinated ass belongs in the back. Nor do I park it on your thigh master with my legs spread eagle. Again - knowin' the role.
If you must flirt with the poor guy, get off the equipment and move out of the way. If you're smart, then you'll back the guy into a corner so he can't run.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Tighter Gun Control
Yesterday, I was at the gym polishing my gunz. I've been doing this about 3-5 times a week for the last several years. One thing that I have never understood is why the hell do some guys wear there sunglasses at an indoor gym. It boggles my freakin' mind. Stunnaz, gym shorts, and hairy legs do not look cool.
Yesterday, it was some middle-aged, white dude in mid-thigh shorts and a white under-shirt. And shades. I'm generally not this critical of a dude's gym attire provided he's not wearing boy shorts. But the freakin shades have got to stop!!!
Chicks never do it; understandably so since they'd wanna see my gun show with their own naked eyes. They're like water cannons in that respect cuz it gets'em all wet. Ah, yeah...
Then it hit me. No, not the massive recoil from my gunz as they fire. I've gotten used to that.
No, it occurred to me why some dudes wear their shades in the weight room. It's my fault. It's my polished gunz. The shine off these bad boyz can be blinding to the naked eye. In the future, I will try not to stand in direct sunlight while my gunz are out of their holsters. Hopefully, the need for eye protection will be minimized and these dudes won't look so much like pretentious pole smokers.
Yesterday, it was some middle-aged, white dude in mid-thigh shorts and a white under-shirt. And shades. I'm generally not this critical of a dude's gym attire provided he's not wearing boy shorts. But the freakin shades have got to stop!!!
Chicks never do it; understandably so since they'd wanna see my gun show with their own naked eyes. They're like water cannons in that respect cuz it gets'em all wet. Ah, yeah...
Then it hit me. No, not the massive recoil from my gunz as they fire. I've gotten used to that.
No, it occurred to me why some dudes wear their shades in the weight room. It's my fault. It's my polished gunz. The shine off these bad boyz can be blinding to the naked eye. In the future, I will try not to stand in direct sunlight while my gunz are out of their holsters. Hopefully, the need for eye protection will be minimized and these dudes won't look so much like pretentious pole smokers.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
IM Sexy Time
My gf and I were discussing what my plans were for the rest of the day. Here's how it went:
Her - you going to gym?
Me - maybe. i have my stuff
Me - depends on how i feel at
Me - 3
Her - yeah
Her - shouldn't be crowded though
Me - hope not
Me - this would be the 4th day in a row so i might feel kinda tired
Her - true
Me - though i normally don't let myself get away with that
Me - i'm eating now so hopefully won't be too full at 3
Her - and i might tire you out later too =)
Me - ooh
Me - perhaps i can get my ezercise that way
Her - we have to properly celebrate holiday weekend!
Me - indeed
Me - with booze, fireworks, and other things that might explode on your face
Her - lol
Her- that's funny
Her - you should put that in your blog
Me - cuz it's true!
Me - i should
Her - it is true!
Me - cutting and pasting
That's how you do shit.
Her - you going to gym?
Me - maybe. i have my stuff
Me - depends on how i feel at
Me - 3
Her - yeah
Her - shouldn't be crowded though
Me - hope not
Me - this would be the 4th day in a row so i might feel kinda tired
Her - true
Me - though i normally don't let myself get away with that
Me - i'm eating now so hopefully won't be too full at 3
Her - and i might tire you out later too =)
Me - ooh
Me - perhaps i can get my ezercise that way
Her - we have to properly celebrate holiday weekend!
Me - indeed
Me - with booze, fireworks, and other things that might explode on your face
Her - lol
Her- that's funny
Her - you should put that in your blog
Me - cuz it's true!
Me - i should
Her - it is true!
Me - cutting and pasting
That's how you do shit.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Czech! Czech! Czcech! All night long!!!
My higher education continues at another beer tasting event hosted by the LMU Alumni Association. It was the same hosts, same venue, but a different theme. This time it was European beers. I had high hopes for this event as I have a healthy respect for European beers. After all, Newcastle comes from Newcastle, England and Belgian ales come from Belgium, naturally.
The last tasting featured a broad spectrum of beers from California. There were variations in style as well as drinkability. One thing that really stood out during the Cali tasting is that some beers were not meant to be bottled. They were meant to be canned - shit canned that is. Generally, these are the ones that tasted like urine drank from a hobo's boot. See my earlier post about my first beer tasting for details.
The Euro tasting was as varied in style but less so in drinkability. The tasting included pilsners, stouts, ales, as well as several others that I don't remember. However, none of the beers were horrible; all were drinkable. Perhaps this means that on average, Euro beers are better than Cali beers. I don't think it's fair to formulate this opinion yet as I've had such a small sample size of all the beers out there. I'll revisit this comparison after more testing.
Of course, some were better than others and that is to be expected. Since I lost my beer tasting cheat sheet between the time of the tasting and the time of this post, I'll only mention those that surprised me in one way or another.
First on the docket is Murphy's Irish Stout.
Despite the dark color and the style, this beer is surprisingly light in consistency and sweet. Well, it's not sweet like milk chocolate but if you've ever had Guiness then this is the polar opposite. Another plus is that this beer is available at BevMo and is reasonably priced at $6.49 for a 4 pack. Overall, this beer was a very pleasant surprise and I would definitely take this over a Corona or a Heine.
Next is teh Gulden Draak.
Ah, a Belgian ale! Zesty!!! This one was unique from the others that I've had. The bottle was all white and opaque. This protects the beer from light which can degrade the quality of the beer over time. This Belgian ale wasn't bad but I've had better. It wasn't as sweet as I'm normally used to but not to say that it tasted like ass; it was decent. I'd drink it but I probably wouldn't buy it again over some of my other favorite Belgian ales. Like other Belgian ales, this one isn't cheap; it's $11.99 for a 750 mL bottle at BevMo.
Last, the weiner of the evening: Pilsner Urquell.
Since the tasting, I've already gone through a couple cases of this stuff. It's that good. It's got a nice golden color, great flavor, and a very slight bitter finish that I think caps off every sip perfectly. I definitely would not hesitate to order this at a bar. I'm not sure how it stacks up against my current favorites but I feel it's already earned a place amongst them. I'll probably be picking up 12 pks time again since they are reasonably priced at $12.99 at BevMo.
The last tasting featured a broad spectrum of beers from California. There were variations in style as well as drinkability. One thing that really stood out during the Cali tasting is that some beers were not meant to be bottled. They were meant to be canned - shit canned that is. Generally, these are the ones that tasted like urine drank from a hobo's boot. See my earlier post about my first beer tasting for details.
The Euro tasting was as varied in style but less so in drinkability. The tasting included pilsners, stouts, ales, as well as several others that I don't remember. However, none of the beers were horrible; all were drinkable. Perhaps this means that on average, Euro beers are better than Cali beers. I don't think it's fair to formulate this opinion yet as I've had such a small sample size of all the beers out there. I'll revisit this comparison after more testing.
Of course, some were better than others and that is to be expected. Since I lost my beer tasting cheat sheet between the time of the tasting and the time of this post, I'll only mention those that surprised me in one way or another.
First on the docket is Murphy's Irish Stout.
Despite the dark color and the style, this beer is surprisingly light in consistency and sweet. Well, it's not sweet like milk chocolate but if you've ever had Guiness then this is the polar opposite. Another plus is that this beer is available at BevMo and is reasonably priced at $6.49 for a 4 pack. Overall, this beer was a very pleasant surprise and I would definitely take this over a Corona or a Heine.Next is teh Gulden Draak.
Ah, a Belgian ale! Zesty!!! This one was unique from the others that I've had. The bottle was all white and opaque. This protects the beer from light which can degrade the quality of the beer over time. This Belgian ale wasn't bad but I've had better. It wasn't as sweet as I'm normally used to but not to say that it tasted like ass; it was decent. I'd drink it but I probably wouldn't buy it again over some of my other favorite Belgian ales. Like other Belgian ales, this one isn't cheap; it's $11.99 for a 750 mL bottle at BevMo.Last, the weiner of the evening: Pilsner Urquell.
Since the tasting, I've already gone through a couple cases of this stuff. It's that good. It's got a nice golden color, great flavor, and a very slight bitter finish that I think caps off every sip perfectly. I definitely would not hesitate to order this at a bar. I'm not sure how it stacks up against my current favorites but I feel it's already earned a place amongst them. I'll probably be picking up 12 pks time again since they are reasonably priced at $12.99 at BevMo.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Savin' that Mad Cream
Paris: What would you do to a muthafucka stoopid enough to leave their credit card information in the gas pump?
Cisco: ...I buy sum gas!!!
Paris: "I buy sum gas!!!" Give the man a gold star!
Alright, so that's not exactly how it's said in The Big Hit but my paltry attempts at humor could not do justice to this timeless movie.
But the question remains: What would you do if the person ahead of you at the gas pump left their credit card info in the pump allowing you to purchase gas on their dime?
Would you hit it and cry all the way home while riding on a full tank of free gas? Or would you quit it and be the honest joe?
Regardless of your answer, just remember not to be that person that left his/her information in the pump. Make sure you check the prompt on the pump after you're through being raped at the gas station.
Cisco: ...I buy sum gas!!!
Paris: "I buy sum gas!!!" Give the man a gold star!
Alright, so that's not exactly how it's said in The Big Hit but my paltry attempts at humor could not do justice to this timeless movie.
But the question remains: What would you do if the person ahead of you at the gas pump left their credit card info in the pump allowing you to purchase gas on their dime?
Would you hit it and cry all the way home while riding on a full tank of free gas? Or would you quit it and be the honest joe?
Regardless of your answer, just remember not to be that person that left his/her information in the pump. Make sure you check the prompt on the pump after you're through being raped at the gas station.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Pillow Talk
Teh breezie and I were lounging around the other day doing nothing in particular, talking about nothing in particular. So I decide to whip out some bra-busting, panty-dropping pillow talk. Now, imagine this in a soft whisper:
me: blah blah blah
her: tee hee
me: blah blah blah
her: uh huh
me: blah blah donkey punch
her: wtf lol
All pillow talk eventually ends with the topic of donkey punches. And if yours isn't, then you should be asking yourself why. Why? Because it's the unicorn of sexual maneuvers. Check it out:
It's talked about.
It's written about.
It's dreamed about.
But no one has actually seen it.
Everything else has been done. It's a bold claim, I know. But think about it:
If anyone out there has witnessed it, then screenshot or it didn't happen. But before we get into identifying precedence, let's lay down some definitions. According to the distinguished Urban Dictionary:
The closest thing I could find to pictorial evidence is this:
That's a little too literal but the general idea is there. I'm counting on the masses - my 5 peep strong fan base - to go forth and prove the existence of the Donkey Punch. To hell with Big foot, Nessie, and alien abductions. This myth is one for the ages.
Blah blah blah. Tee Hee.
Blah blah blah. Uh huh. donkey
punch. WTF? LOL!
Yeah, I know - that was too easy.
me: blah blah blah
her: tee hee
me: blah blah blah
her: uh huh
me: blah blah donkey punch
her: wtf lol
All pillow talk eventually ends with the topic of donkey punches. And if yours isn't, then you should be asking yourself why. Why? Because it's the unicorn of sexual maneuvers. Check it out:
It's talked about.
It's written about.
It's dreamed about.
But no one has actually seen it.
Everything else has been done. It's a bold claim, I know. But think about it:
- Dirty Sanchez: This is supposedly performed in the Screeched sex tape starring Dustin Diamond of Saved by the Bell. I haven't seen it personally but it says so on wikipedia so it must be true.
- Cleveland Steamer: I think scat play has gotta be done to death. If it wasn't covered in 2 girls 1 cup, then just search for any Japanese scat videos; maybe German shieza pr0n, too.
- Shocker: Srsly? Not even a challenge.
- Snowball: I know I've seen it in a number of internet pr0n vids. It's been done. And yes - I admit it. I've watched pr0n on teh internet. Get over it.
If anyone out there has witnessed it, then screenshot or it didn't happen. But before we get into identifying precedence, let's lay down some definitions. According to the distinguished Urban Dictionary:
"The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better (for you of course)."
The closest thing I could find to pictorial evidence is this:
That's a little too literal but the general idea is there. I'm counting on the masses - my 5 peep strong fan base - to go forth and prove the existence of the Donkey Punch. To hell with Big foot, Nessie, and alien abductions. This myth is one for the ages.
Blah blah blah. Tee Hee.
Blah blah blah. Uh huh. donkey
punch. WTF? LOL!
Yeah, I know - that was too easy.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The k.d. lang paradox
K.d. Lang goes to
my gym. Oops, it's just a dude
with the same haircut.
True story.
By itself, the above haiku isn't very significant but I thought it blog-worthy because it was the most spontaneous piece of poetry I have ever written. Those words just fell into my head and I quickly realized that it could fit the 5-7-5 pattern by swapping a word or two. Ta-da! Damn, I'm good.
Anyway, the dude really did look like a slimmer, younger k.d. Lang. That being said, I was left with a peculiar paradox. Does this dude look like a lady? "Yes," is my first impression. Hence, I immediately likened him to the female-ish singer.
However, the more I think about it the more I want to say, "No, dude look-a-like-a mang." Here's how I figure:
This guy looks like k.d. Lang.
K.d. Lang has no discernible female features.
Consequently, k.d. Lang look-a-like-a mang.
Ergo, this guy look-a-like-a mang.
QED, bitches.
my gym. Oops, it's just a dude
with the same haircut.
True story.
By itself, the above haiku isn't very significant but I thought it blog-worthy because it was the most spontaneous piece of poetry I have ever written. Those words just fell into my head and I quickly realized that it could fit the 5-7-5 pattern by swapping a word or two. Ta-da! Damn, I'm good.
Anyway, the dude really did look like a slimmer, younger k.d. Lang. That being said, I was left with a peculiar paradox. Does this dude look like a lady? "Yes," is my first impression. Hence, I immediately likened him to the female-ish singer.
However, the more I think about it the more I want to say, "No, dude look-a-like-a mang." Here's how I figure:
This guy looks like k.d. Lang.
K.d. Lang has no discernible female features.
Consequently, k.d. Lang look-a-like-a mang.
Ergo, this guy look-a-like-a mang.
QED, bitches.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Beer Review
Here are the brews that I sampled at the LMU Alumni Beer Tasting. All the beers were from California breweries. Although there weren't that many beers sampled, the chosen candidates seem to cover a large spectrum of brews. There was a clear winner, a definite loser, and everything in between.
Please, don't let me discourage anyone from trying any of these beers even when my opinion of it is less than craptacular. You might have an acquired taste for bottled piss water. Regardless, it'll provide contrast between beers that you do like and beers that you don't.
Please, don't let me discourage anyone from trying any of these beers even when my opinion of it is less than craptacular. You might have an acquired taste for bottled piss water. Regardless, it'll provide contrast between beers that you do like and beers that you don't.
Brewery: Karl Strauss
Location: San Diego, CA
Name: Woodie Gold
Type: Pilsner
My thoughts: Not bad. It wasn't terrible but I wouldn't buy a 6 pack of it. I had such higher hopes for a beer with the words "woodie" and "blonde" in its name. If I saw it in a cooler at a party, then I'd pick it up over a Corona.
Brewery: Sierra Nevada
Location: Chico, CA
Name: Wheat
Type: Wheat Ale
My thoughts: This one didn't leave much of an impression on me. It wasn't as assy as their more popular Sierra Nevada Pale Ale that can be found in supermarkets but it didn't make me want a refill. I think I would take a corona over this one.
Brewery: Stone
Location: Escondido, CA
Name: IPA
Type: Indian Pale Ale
My thoughts: Stone is one of those brands that can not do right by me. I know a couple peeps that really enjoy their brews but I'm not one of them. Couple this with the fact that this is an IPA and I immediately dismissed this as gas station toilet water. I'm just not down with their hoppyness. The other Stone brew that I have tried is the Arrogant Bastard Ale. I felt it puts the ass in basstard, but I digress. I would crack open a frosty Coors Light before I open another Stone IPA. That's right, I said it.
Brewery: Anderson Valley Brewing Company
Location: Boonville, CA
Name: Boont
Type: Amber Ale
My thoughts: This one was actually not new to me at the time of the tasting. I had had it on more than one occasion and I continue to pick up a 6 pack from time to time. It's got good flavor that is not bitter at all and actually tastes a bit sweet going down. For those that aren't into dark ales, this one would be a good one to try. This beer has the added advantage over the other beers in this list in that it is available at Trader Joe's. You don't have to make a pilgrimage to Beverage Warehouse or BevMo.
Brewery: Moylans
Location: Novato, CA
Name: Kilt Lifter
Type: Scotch Ale
My thoughts: This brew was the winner for the evening. It's got great flavor that isn't bitter. It's like a strong pimp hand that doesn't slap the taste out cho mouf'. It's like a rub n' tug in a bottle. OK, not quite but it's pretty damn good. I rank this as a possible favorite. It's not quite at the Newcastle and Fat Tire level but it's up there.
Brewery: North Coast
Location: Fort Bragg, CA
Name: Old Rasputin
Type: Russian Imperial Stout
My thoughts: Where to begin... perhaps a verse!
It boggles my mind...
How did they teach a horse to
shit in a bottle?
This stool sample was easily the loser of the evening. No one that attended the tasting could choke down this crap. All around the tasting room, people had poured this out into discarded pint glasses.
It's hoppy like an IPA.
Except it's like an IPA on crack.
And the crack is just more hops.
And when the said horse could shit no more, more hops were added to the brew.
Russian Imperial Stout is another brew that was traditionally over-hopped so that it would survive a long sea journey. This time it had to go all the way to Russia. In communist Russia, the beer drinks you! They shoulda stuck to vodka.
Location: San Diego, CA
Name: Woodie Gold
Type: Pilsner
My thoughts: Not bad. It wasn't terrible but I wouldn't buy a 6 pack of it. I had such higher hopes for a beer with the words "woodie" and "blonde" in its name. If I saw it in a cooler at a party, then I'd pick it up over a Corona.
Brewery: Sierra Nevada
Location: Chico, CA
Name: Wheat
Type: Wheat Ale
My thoughts: This one didn't leave much of an impression on me. It wasn't as assy as their more popular Sierra Nevada Pale Ale that can be found in supermarkets but it didn't make me want a refill. I think I would take a corona over this one.
Brewery: Stone
Location: Escondido, CA
Name: IPA
Type: Indian Pale Ale
My thoughts: Stone is one of those brands that can not do right by me. I know a couple peeps that really enjoy their brews but I'm not one of them. Couple this with the fact that this is an IPA and I immediately dismissed this as gas station toilet water. I'm just not down with their hoppyness. The other Stone brew that I have tried is the Arrogant Bastard Ale. I felt it puts the ass in basstard, but I digress. I would crack open a frosty Coors Light before I open another Stone IPA. That's right, I said it.
Brewery: Anderson Valley Brewing Company
Location: Boonville, CA
Name: Boont
Type: Amber Ale
My thoughts: This one was actually not new to me at the time of the tasting. I had had it on more than one occasion and I continue to pick up a 6 pack from time to time. It's got good flavor that is not bitter at all and actually tastes a bit sweet going down. For those that aren't into dark ales, this one would be a good one to try. This beer has the added advantage over the other beers in this list in that it is available at Trader Joe's. You don't have to make a pilgrimage to Beverage Warehouse or BevMo.
Brewery: Moylans
Location: Novato, CA
Name: Kilt Lifter
Type: Scotch Ale
My thoughts: This brew was the winner for the evening. It's got great flavor that isn't bitter. It's like a strong pimp hand that doesn't slap the taste out cho mouf'. It's like a rub n' tug in a bottle. OK, not quite but it's pretty damn good. I rank this as a possible favorite. It's not quite at the Newcastle and Fat Tire level but it's up there.
Brewery: North Coast
Location: Fort Bragg, CA
Name: Old Rasputin
Type: Russian Imperial Stout
My thoughts: Where to begin... perhaps a verse!
It boggles my mind...
How did they teach a horse to
shit in a bottle?
This stool sample was easily the loser of the evening. No one that attended the tasting could choke down this crap. All around the tasting room, people had poured this out into discarded pint glasses.
It's hoppy like an IPA.
Except it's like an IPA on crack.
And the crack is just more hops.
And when the said horse could shit no more, more hops were added to the brew.
Russian Imperial Stout is another brew that was traditionally over-hopped so that it would survive a long sea journey. This time it had to go all the way to Russia. In communist Russia, the beer drinks you! They shoulda stuck to vodka.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Post Graduate Studies at LMU
I graduated from Loyola Marymount University in May 2000 with a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Engineering. On that fateful day, I vowed that I was through with college. No more studying for me! My newly minted bullshit (B.S.) was enough.
Five years later, I made a liar out of myself and enrolled at USC to pursue a Master of Science degree in Electrical Engineering. So I toiled for what seemed like ages until December of 2006 when I graduated from USC's Viterbi School of Engineering. My perseverance has allowed me to add More Shit (M.S.) on top of my B.S. Just like before, I vowed that I've had enough shit; I don't want it Piled Higher and Deeper (Phd).
In January of 2008, I received an e-mail from LMU inviting me to continue my post graduate studies. I thought about it; I slept on it; I took 2 hr dumps while I contemplated.
I thought to myself, "I'm not getting any younger. I might as well do it while I can handle it."
So I replied to the e-mail, "Yes, I would like to attend...
and I will be bringing a guest."
To the South Bay Alumni Beer Tasting Event hosted by the LMU Almuni Association!
Oh, come on! Did you seriously think I'd pursue a doctorates in EE? Maybe in psychology, pottery, photography, or even gynecology but fuck engineering. I've sat in enough classes full of nerdy asian dudes to last me two lifetimes. Show me the dumb blondes!
And no, I did not have to contemplate long on this decision. My attendance was never in question.
It was a great time. It took place at Sangria on the Hermosa Pier. We had the entire back room to ourselves. There were beer enthusiasts of all ages; newly-grads, yuppies like myself, and moms and dads. The things I learned! The beer I tasted! It was legen......dary!
At the tasting, information sheets were handed out that listed the beers to be poured as well as some beer related terms and facts. Since, this sheet provided such useful information - some of which I've wondered about in the past - I thought it be a good idea to share the knowledge that I have gained. The following info is pilfered from the sheet that was handed out. I did not dig this up myself and I do not take credit for it. All credit belongs to the LMU Alumni Association.
First off, some general terms:
Ales:
One other noteworthy style of beer is the Belgian Ale. These tend to be fruity, bottle conditioned ales with high alcohol content. So not only will it kick your ass, but it'll taste good while doing it. They tend to cost a little more per bottle but are very worthwhile if you ever have a chance to try one.
Since this post is getting much longer than I intended, I'll end it here. I'll discuss the beers that were poured that night in another post. In the mean time, go forth and comsume beer. Cheers!
Five years later, I made a liar out of myself and enrolled at USC to pursue a Master of Science degree in Electrical Engineering. So I toiled for what seemed like ages until December of 2006 when I graduated from USC's Viterbi School of Engineering. My perseverance has allowed me to add More Shit (M.S.) on top of my B.S. Just like before, I vowed that I've had enough shit; I don't want it Piled Higher and Deeper (Phd).
In January of 2008, I received an e-mail from LMU inviting me to continue my post graduate studies. I thought about it; I slept on it; I took 2 hr dumps while I contemplated.
I thought to myself, "I'm not getting any younger. I might as well do it while I can handle it."
So I replied to the e-mail, "Yes, I would like to attend...
and I will be bringing a guest."
To the South Bay Alumni Beer Tasting Event hosted by the LMU Almuni Association!
Oh, come on! Did you seriously think I'd pursue a doctorates in EE? Maybe in psychology, pottery, photography, or even gynecology but fuck engineering. I've sat in enough classes full of nerdy asian dudes to last me two lifetimes. Show me the dumb blondes!
And no, I did not have to contemplate long on this decision. My attendance was never in question.
It was a great time. It took place at Sangria on the Hermosa Pier. We had the entire back room to ourselves. There were beer enthusiasts of all ages; newly-grads, yuppies like myself, and moms and dads. The things I learned! The beer I tasted! It was legen......dary!
At the tasting, information sheets were handed out that listed the beers to be poured as well as some beer related terms and facts. Since, this sheet provided such useful information - some of which I've wondered about in the past - I thought it be a good idea to share the knowledge that I have gained. The following info is pilfered from the sheet that was handed out. I did not dig this up myself and I do not take credit for it. All credit belongs to the LMU Alumni Association.
First off, some general terms:
- Balance: This is the malt to hop proportion in a beer.
- Cask/bottle conditioned: Beer with yeast still in the brew to complete fermentation.
- Hops: Considered the spice of the beer that can add bitterness and/or aromas.
- IBU: International Bitterness Unit - this is the unit of measurement in a system designed to quantify the hop-induced bitterness of finished beer. Higher IBUs equals more hop flavor. Some refer to this flavor as hoppiness. I call it bitterness.
- Malted grains: Gives beer its smooth, rich flavor. Although barley is normally used, other grains may be substituted e.g. wheat. Ergo, beers that use malted wheat instead of barley are called wheat beers. Duh...
Ales:
- Bitters: This is an English Ale brewed with a lot of hops. Our US equivalent is the pale ale.
- Pale Ale: An amber/copper colored ale that tastes like a poorly wiped ass. Okay, that's just my opinion but the majority of pale ales I've had do taste like ass. However, I still retain an open mind to trying them. Just don't expect me to pay for it.
- IPA: Indian Pale Ale - an over-hopped (bitter) ale that was originally brewed in the 1700's. This style of brew was made for British troops serving in India. The excess hops in the beer allowed the ale to survive the months-long journey. W/o the excess hops, the beer would spoil before it reached its destination and that would have been an extremely heinous party foul. Like the pale ale, I think this tastes like a poorly wiped ass - one that dropped a deuce in London, half-heartedly wiped, and then placed on a boat where the dingleberries could marinate on its sea voyage to India where English blokes could savor its bitter poo-ness. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not a big fan of the IPA.
- Porter: A very dark ale first brewed in London in 1722.
- Stout: Formerly known as Stout Porter, this tends to be darker, richer, and hoppier than porter.
- Bock: A strong lager traditionally brewed in the winter to celebrate spring. It's full bodied and malty.
- Maerzen: Pale lager that dates back to the 17th century. I don't know squat about this one but if you would like to sponsor a study into this brew, I would be more than happy to oblige.
- Pilsner: Like maerzen, I got nothing.
One other noteworthy style of beer is the Belgian Ale. These tend to be fruity, bottle conditioned ales with high alcohol content. So not only will it kick your ass, but it'll taste good while doing it. They tend to cost a little more per bottle but are very worthwhile if you ever have a chance to try one.
Since this post is getting much longer than I intended, I'll end it here. I'll discuss the beers that were poured that night in another post. In the mean time, go forth and comsume beer. Cheers!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Santa Barbara: The Straight Man's Shangri-La?
My girlfriend, Susie, and I went to Santa Barbara for Valentine's. Well, it was the weekend before Valentine's but that was the intention. I am very tempted to segue into a Valentine rant at this point but I'll save it for the sake of staying on topic. Besides, it's nothing earth-shattering; it's something every guy knows in his head, heart, and wallet.
On with the show!
It's been a few years since I've been to Santa Barbara. The last time I was there was back in college sometime and it was always a day trip. So I was glad to be getting back there and spending the weekend. For those that have not been, I encourage you to check it out. I won't go into the tourist highlights as you can find that info in any brochure or travel website. Rather, I'm going to tell you what I learned that was not in the brochures.
I had two revelations while we were there:
1. Santa Barbara has a substantial gay community. Either that or they are extremely metro-sexual for such a laid back community. I got this vibe from some of the locals we walked past, spotted in bars, or chatted with. This wasn't a bad thing; it's not like they were aggressive in any way. In fact, I think it might work to the advantage of a straight single male partying in SB. More on that later. The most convincing and, not uncoincidentally, the most curious piece of evidence of the town's underlying rainbow hues was discovered on State St.
After dinner on Friday night, we walked down State Street in search of some night life. We came across an adult store aptly named, "The Adult Store." Naturally, we went in to peruse the fine collection of strap-ons, dongs, double-dongs, and latex vagines. We were checking out the videos when we noticed an abnormally large collection of gay porn. Most video stores have some gay porn; this store had an entire wall dedicated to sword fighting and West Hollywood butt darts. By comparison, the lesbian porn section was unusually minuscule. It was one dinky shelf, maybe a foot and half long with just a handful of girl-on-girl action videos. How very disappointing. The only redeeming quality to the pathetic selection was a video titled, "Box Lunch," which we thought was hilarious. We lol'ed irl. tee hee.
2. A straight single guy could do well in Santa Barbara, poon-wise. During the day on Saturday, Susie and I went wine tasting in Santa Ynez Valley and it was a great time. We had some great wine, met some fun people, and we enjoyed the beautiful weather. As we moved between wineries and tasting rooms, it became painfully obvious that something felt out of place.
There was something out of the ordinary and that doesn't occur often. In fact, the last several times I have seen this happen in LA were at BBQs where the host bought 1 pack of hot dogs and 2 packs of buns. That's right sports fans, there were more buns than hot dogs. I'm talking about the male-to-female ratio. It's rare that this ratio is ever less than 1. It might approach 1, but to be less than 1 is the stuff dreams are made of. In this case, the ratio was easily 2:3 or even 1:2. The absolute worst it gets at wine tasting is close to 1:1.
Oh, it gets better. Think about the patrons that wine tasting attracts. When was the last time you heard a bunch of straight single dudes get together and plan their next wine tasting trip? The last time I heard that was last year during the month of NEVER. Wine tasting is most often patronized by couples, bachelorette parties, or whatever girl's day out event. Let me spell it out:
The above scenario is currently untested but I would be interested in seeing the theory in action. If any bachelors would like to test this theory, then give me a holla and I will try to accommodate. This might work in Napa also but should the bachelor strike out, the Napa nightlife or lack thereof would be very unforgiving. You'd have to go all the way to Frisco to party. The drive from Santa Ynez Valley to SB sucks after a day of drinking but it's shorter than Napa -> SF.
On with the show!
It's been a few years since I've been to Santa Barbara. The last time I was there was back in college sometime and it was always a day trip. So I was glad to be getting back there and spending the weekend. For those that have not been, I encourage you to check it out. I won't go into the tourist highlights as you can find that info in any brochure or travel website. Rather, I'm going to tell you what I learned that was not in the brochures.
I had two revelations while we were there:
1. Santa Barbara has a substantial gay community. Either that or they are extremely metro-sexual for such a laid back community. I got this vibe from some of the locals we walked past, spotted in bars, or chatted with. This wasn't a bad thing; it's not like they were aggressive in any way. In fact, I think it might work to the advantage of a straight single male partying in SB. More on that later. The most convincing and, not uncoincidentally, the most curious piece of evidence of the town's underlying rainbow hues was discovered on State St.
After dinner on Friday night, we walked down State Street in search of some night life. We came across an adult store aptly named, "The Adult Store." Naturally, we went in to peruse the fine collection of strap-ons, dongs, double-dongs, and latex vagines. We were checking out the videos when we noticed an abnormally large collection of gay porn. Most video stores have some gay porn; this store had an entire wall dedicated to sword fighting and West Hollywood butt darts. By comparison, the lesbian porn section was unusually minuscule. It was one dinky shelf, maybe a foot and half long with just a handful of girl-on-girl action videos. How very disappointing. The only redeeming quality to the pathetic selection was a video titled, "Box Lunch," which we thought was hilarious. We lol'ed irl. tee hee.
2. A straight single guy could do well in Santa Barbara, poon-wise. During the day on Saturday, Susie and I went wine tasting in Santa Ynez Valley and it was a great time. We had some great wine, met some fun people, and we enjoyed the beautiful weather. As we moved between wineries and tasting rooms, it became painfully obvious that something felt out of place.
There was something out of the ordinary and that doesn't occur often. In fact, the last several times I have seen this happen in LA were at BBQs where the host bought 1 pack of hot dogs and 2 packs of buns. That's right sports fans, there were more buns than hot dogs. I'm talking about the male-to-female ratio. It's rare that this ratio is ever less than 1. It might approach 1, but to be less than 1 is the stuff dreams are made of. In this case, the ratio was easily 2:3 or even 1:2. The absolute worst it gets at wine tasting is close to 1:1.
Oh, it gets better. Think about the patrons that wine tasting attracts. When was the last time you heard a bunch of straight single dudes get together and plan their next wine tasting trip? The last time I heard that was last year during the month of NEVER. Wine tasting is most often patronized by couples, bachelorette parties, or whatever girl's day out event. Let me spell it out:
- The dudes visiting the wineries are usually not single or not straight. These hot dogs already have buns or are looking for another hot dog, not a bun. In either case, they are not competition.
- Bachelorette party = bride + X + Y, where
- X = number of single women in the party that have been drinking all day,
- Y = number of non-single women that have been drinking all day,
- bride = woman who has been drinking all day.
- Girl's day out. See the above formula regarding bachelorette parties. Substitute the left side of the equation with "bunch of girls."
The above scenario is currently untested but I would be interested in seeing the theory in action. If any bachelors would like to test this theory, then give me a holla and I will try to accommodate. This might work in Napa also but should the bachelor strike out, the Napa nightlife or lack thereof would be very unforgiving. You'd have to go all the way to Frisco to party. The drive from Santa Ynez Valley to SB sucks after a day of drinking but it's shorter than Napa -> SF.
My problem with blogs
Maybe it's just me. Sometimes, writing to a blog is like talking to a wall. It's a one sided conversation. I never kept a diary or a journal though I do post on various message boards every so often. I guess I'm more interested in having a discussion than making journal entries.
I've had plenty to write about since my last entry but the inclination hasn't been there. Again, not a fan of talking to a wall. But once in a while, I am able to force myself to login to this and remember why I started it in the first place: fuck if I know.
Actually, I think I do. It's just a means of getting my ideas out there; no matter how stupid, asinine, or profound they may be.
I've had plenty to write about since my last entry but the inclination hasn't been there. Again, not a fan of talking to a wall. But once in a while, I am able to force myself to login to this and remember why I started it in the first place: fuck if I know.
Actually, I think I do. It's just a means of getting my ideas out there; no matter how stupid, asinine, or profound they may be.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
A priest and a rabbi walk into the men's locker room
A priest and a rabbi walk into the men's locker room and both their fuckin lockers are right next to mine. WTF!!! Why is it that there are 3 people in an entire locker room with over 120 lockers and all 3 of our lockers are near adjacent. Why, cruel universe ?!!?!
OK, it wasn't a priest and a rabbi. It was couple of sweaty fat dudes but you get the point. Last night's visit to the gym was so shitty that I think it added to my stress. By the time I was through, I was disgruntled, annoyed, and in a rush to get the fuck outta there. Why was I in a rush? Read on.
First off, the clusterfuck around my locker happens as I'm changing into my gym clothes. The 2 other dudes that had just finished their workout can't help that our lockers are right next to each other. It wasn't intentional; it was just a cruel twist of fate. What those homos could have done was to have a little patience and realize that all our asses could not occupy the same volume of fuckin space at the same time. (As you can see, my anger has not completely subsided. And for the sake of posterity, I risk whipping myself into a frenzy again.) So in a flurry of elbows, chaffed thighs, and bitch tits, I quickly finish changing with complete disregard for the whales that have beached themselves next to me. I give as good as I get.
After I changed, I move into the gym area to stretch. Before I continue this diatribe, realize that LA gym's are a different flavor that those in Hawaii. The people are VERY different. In general, the folks in Hawaii's gyms are much nicer. They are polite, courteous, and helpful. Most of all - they pick up their shit. They don't just drop whatever equipment they are finished with and walk off. Not so at my gym in LA. Most men here are like 5 yrs olds -when they're done with something, it's dropped and forgotten about and they move on. I have nothing but contempt and loathing for these failed abortions.
Anyway, I move on to stretch and I see an exercise mat laying around and no one using it. Well, I shift it over a bit and prepare to do my business. Just then, this short, fat, black guy says, "Hey! I'm using that!" in a not-so-friendly way. It's like he wanted fuckin reparations from me or something. This meathead that was standing so many feet away flapping his big lips was apparently using this mat. Well shit son, by that logic, he's using everything in this motherfucker. Still, I do not hold him responsible for this offense. I blame his crack whore mother for missing him with the coat hanger when he was a fetus.
At this point, I sigh and move on. I've accepted that most men in this gym are assholes with no social skills. I pick up another mat and move over to stretch by a couple of ladies. They say nothing. I say nothing. We mutually accept each other's presence and go about our business. We don't get in each other's way and by no means are we rude to one another. Much better.
I'm done stretching and I start on the treadmill. Fifteen minutes into it and I'm doing great. My form is good, my breathing is easy, and I'm thinking I can easily do the full run today. No more assholes around to annoy me or otherwise ruin my workout.
Except one.
Mine.
Yeah. The worst timing ever. I'm finally get into a groove and the kids start clamoring about being dropped off at the pool. Holding it is not as easy as it normally is. Most people sit down when their holding it. Or if they are walking over to the pot, then they do a bow-legged waddle while keeping both buttcheeks clenched. Try either of those on a treadmill. There's a lot of bouncing around; a lot of flexing and relaxing of the muscles that govern the lower extremities so it's not like I could just pucker up. All things considered, I think I did fairly well. I resisted until it was no longer prudent which was about another 15 minutes and then I got the fuck outta dodge. Hence, I left the gym disgruntled, annoyed, and in a rush.
Other things that annoy me at the gym:
OK, it wasn't a priest and a rabbi. It was couple of sweaty fat dudes but you get the point. Last night's visit to the gym was so shitty that I think it added to my stress. By the time I was through, I was disgruntled, annoyed, and in a rush to get the fuck outta there. Why was I in a rush? Read on.
First off, the clusterfuck around my locker happens as I'm changing into my gym clothes. The 2 other dudes that had just finished their workout can't help that our lockers are right next to each other. It wasn't intentional; it was just a cruel twist of fate. What those homos could have done was to have a little patience and realize that all our asses could not occupy the same volume of fuckin space at the same time. (As you can see, my anger has not completely subsided. And for the sake of posterity, I risk whipping myself into a frenzy again.) So in a flurry of elbows, chaffed thighs, and bitch tits, I quickly finish changing with complete disregard for the whales that have beached themselves next to me. I give as good as I get.
After I changed, I move into the gym area to stretch. Before I continue this diatribe, realize that LA gym's are a different flavor that those in Hawaii. The people are VERY different. In general, the folks in Hawaii's gyms are much nicer. They are polite, courteous, and helpful. Most of all - they pick up their shit. They don't just drop whatever equipment they are finished with and walk off. Not so at my gym in LA. Most men here are like 5 yrs olds -when they're done with something, it's dropped and forgotten about and they move on. I have nothing but contempt and loathing for these failed abortions.
Anyway, I move on to stretch and I see an exercise mat laying around and no one using it. Well, I shift it over a bit and prepare to do my business. Just then, this short, fat, black guy says, "Hey! I'm using that!" in a not-so-friendly way. It's like he wanted fuckin reparations from me or something. This meathead that was standing so many feet away flapping his big lips was apparently using this mat. Well shit son, by that logic, he's using everything in this motherfucker. Still, I do not hold him responsible for this offense. I blame his crack whore mother for missing him with the coat hanger when he was a fetus.
At this point, I sigh and move on. I've accepted that most men in this gym are assholes with no social skills. I pick up another mat and move over to stretch by a couple of ladies. They say nothing. I say nothing. We mutually accept each other's presence and go about our business. We don't get in each other's way and by no means are we rude to one another. Much better.
I'm done stretching and I start on the treadmill. Fifteen minutes into it and I'm doing great. My form is good, my breathing is easy, and I'm thinking I can easily do the full run today. No more assholes around to annoy me or otherwise ruin my workout.
Except one.
Mine.
Yeah. The worst timing ever. I'm finally get into a groove and the kids start clamoring about being dropped off at the pool. Holding it is not as easy as it normally is. Most people sit down when their holding it. Or if they are walking over to the pot, then they do a bow-legged waddle while keeping both buttcheeks clenched. Try either of those on a treadmill. There's a lot of bouncing around; a lot of flexing and relaxing of the muscles that govern the lower extremities so it's not like I could just pucker up. All things considered, I think I did fairly well. I resisted until it was no longer prudent which was about another 15 minutes and then I got the fuck outta dodge. Hence, I left the gym disgruntled, annoyed, and in a rush.
Other things that annoy me at the gym:
- Slime trails AKA lard residue AKA beads of sweat left on equipment as a parting gift for the next person.
- Double wide women that walk shoulder to shoulder at a snail's pace as they leave their aerobics class. I always get stuck walking behind them and let me tell you - the view isn't pretty.
- Stinky dudes that stand in front of the fan in the men's locker room. Yes, you're hot and sweaty. Cool off by taking a dip in the toilet with the rest of the turds.
- Men with foot fungus that walk around barefoot and spray their feet with Tinactin spray or some such anti foot funk spray. It leaves a negative image of their diseased foot on the ground to remind you where not too step. Maybe their foot wouldn't be rotting off if they didn't walk around the locker room barefoot. Rtards.
- Male staff at the front desk that offer dick to all the women that walk in instead of scanning the membership cards of peeps that walk in as its their job. Maybe you can impress her with your 1337 bar code scanning skillz.
Friday, January 11, 2008
East vs. West: The Best for Breasts
A good friend of mine, Devin, showed me this map while I was in Hawaii over the holidays. It's from the February 2007 issue of National Geographic and it paints a stark contrast between the east and west when it comes to the male-female ratio. Long story short - the west is a giant sausage factory while the east is where all the yummy cream pies and pink tacos are at.
Los Angeles has the largest blue dot on that freakin' map! Hawaii is no where near as bad but it's still blue and blue is most definitely bad. Clearly, I am on the wrong side of the country.
Or am I?
True, the clubs in LA are reminiscent of the factory floor at Libby's Vienna Sausage cannery. Furthermore if National Geographic printed it, then it must be true. I mean, come on - they're a well respected publication and for many of us, the first porno mag we ever saw.
Yeah, baby. Work it!!!!!
However, don't be so quick to take this information at face value. Yes, the dot is big but the numbers represent absolute quantities, not percentages. In other words, the map claims LA has approximately 40,000 more men than women. Depending on LA's total population, 40,000 might not be a significant amount. For example, let's say that Los Angeles has a total population of 9,948,081. For such a large population, 40,000 is actually less than 1%. (0.4 % for you bean counters).
It doesn't take a genius to figure that much out so don't pat me on the back, yet. I decided to take it one step further. I wanted more data to prove that LA is not the hotbed of crossed swords that it appears to be.
Where would I go to get this data? The Federal Government!!! If you can't trust them, then who can you trust? I went over to the
I used information from the counties that the above cities reside in as opposed to just the city itself as the county information is more recent. The data for individual cities dated back to 2000 while the counties' data was compiled in 2006.
Looky! Looky! I see Nookie!
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Los Angeles is NOT the worst when it comes to the male-female ratio. Between the three counties, Honolulu is actually the worst. (This is good news though, not great news since I still visit Hawaii every year.) New York is confimed to have the best ratio of the three. Or worst, depending on which set of genitalia you have. That's why Sex in the City was based in New York and Entourage took place in Los Angeles. It all makes sense now.
Some other interesting things I noticed:
Los Angeles has the largest blue dot on that freakin' map! Hawaii is no where near as bad but it's still blue and blue is most definitely bad. Clearly, I am on the wrong side of the country.Or am I?
True, the clubs in LA are reminiscent of the factory floor at Libby's Vienna Sausage cannery. Furthermore if National Geographic printed it, then it must be true. I mean, come on - they're a well respected publication and for many of us, the first porno mag we ever saw.
Yeah, baby. Work it!!!!!
However, don't be so quick to take this information at face value. Yes, the dot is big but the numbers represent absolute quantities, not percentages. In other words, the map claims LA has approximately 40,000 more men than women. Depending on LA's total population, 40,000 might not be a significant amount. For example, let's say that Los Angeles has a total population of 9,948,081. For such a large population, 40,000 is actually less than 1%. (0.4 % for you bean counters).
It doesn't take a genius to figure that much out so don't pat me on the back, yet. I decided to take it one step further. I wanted more data to prove that LA is not the hotbed of crossed swords that it appears to be.
Where would I go to get this data? The Federal Government!!! If you can't trust them, then who can you trust? I went over to the
I used information from the counties that the above cities reside in as opposed to just the city itself as the county information is more recent. The data for individual cities dated back to 2000 while the counties' data was compiled in 2006.Looky! Looky! I see Nookie!
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Los Angeles is NOT the worst when it comes to the male-female ratio. Between the three counties, Honolulu is actually the worst. (This is good news though, not great news since I still visit Hawaii every year.) New York is confimed to have the best ratio of the three. Or worst, depending on which set of genitalia you have. That's why Sex in the City was based in New York and Entourage took place in Los Angeles. It all makes sense now.
Some other interesting things I noticed:
- LA county has > 10x the population of Honolulu while New York is absolutely engorged with > 20x the Honolulu population. All those women in NY must be doin' it like rabbits. Of course, Honolulu is tiny compared LA and NY.
- Asians don't do well in the cold. Almost half of Honolulu's population is of the Asian persuasion. It's definitely the place to be if you're fishing for some yellow tail. Head east to find the white fish. Don't go too far as LA has more than NY.
- The traffic in Honolulu is bad, it sucks in LA, and its the worst in NY. Odd how the average commute time increases with the female population. *cough* women drivers *cough*
- The amount of housing available in each county is proportional to the population. LA has > 10x more housing than Honolulu. NY has > 20x.
- Honolulu has the highest rate of home ownership which correlates with their highest median household income.
- Honolulu homes seem to have the highest value. Given expensive homes exist in all three counties, I think Honolulu comes out on top because it has less low value housing to bring down its average. In other words, Honolulu has less slums and ghettos than LA and NY. This is just a guess, of course.
Must be this tall to ride --->
Just to break the monotony of my rants and stories, I'd thought I'd share this pic that someone linked on a message board that I visit. In other words, I don't seek this shit out. I just propagate it.
It's difficult to say but I think this ride is at Neverland Ranch. But what's a girl doing on it?
It's difficult to say but I think this ride is at Neverland Ranch. But what's a girl doing on it?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
Something very odd happened the other day. It was one of those things that throw you for a loop and have you wondering, "Dub Tee Eff?" Far be it for me to question God's master plan, but this just didn't seem right.
It was a cardio day at the gym for me the other day. I'm a treadmill guy nowadays. Correction - I'm an older treadmill guy which means I need to stretch before I run-in-place for the next half an hour. I grab an exercise mat and walk over to some bare floor near the cardio machines where I can get my stretch on.
Before I get down to business, I take a gander around. You know, to look for any chicks on the ellipticals that'll have a view of me stretching. If there are, then I'll hike up my shorts to show off my sexy white thighs. Oh yeah.
Sure enough, I find nothing. There's people: a older hispanic lady, a few token asians, a pair of black ladies chit chatting as they pedal stationary bikes - the typical crowd. There was also a couple of younger white-ish dudes (toasted crackas?) with faux hawks working out on the ellipticals. They were wearing some nondescript t-shirts and some basketball shorts - again, pretty typical fare.
I settle down, extend my right leg and put my head down to my knee to stretch my hamstring. With my face 2 inches from my knee, I hear the most effeminate male voice. Right away, I'm thinking: gay dude.
Now, I don't give two shits if a guy is gay. It doesn't bother me so long as I don't have to participate. In this case, I was caught off guard because I didn't notice anyone around me that looked gay.
What does gay look like? You tell me. We all know the stereotype. Gay guys dress well. It's a universal truth. They always have a more fashionable appearance than straight males no matter what the occasion. When I took stock of the local fare just before I began my stretch, I sure as hell didn't notice anyone that looked like he rode in on the hershey highway.
It turns out, it was on of the faux hawks that were dressed in plain clothes. And this is what struck me as peculiar. He was dressed like every other guy in the gym. Every other guy has zero fashion sense in the gym. Does this mean that Mr. Faux Hawk, as a gay man, has no fashion sense? That's just wrong! Wrong! It's like Yoda without the force; he's just a weird looking guy that talks funny.
It was a cardio day at the gym for me the other day. I'm a treadmill guy nowadays. Correction - I'm an older treadmill guy which means I need to stretch before I run-in-place for the next half an hour. I grab an exercise mat and walk over to some bare floor near the cardio machines where I can get my stretch on.
Before I get down to business, I take a gander around. You know, to look for any chicks on the ellipticals that'll have a view of me stretching. If there are, then I'll hike up my shorts to show off my sexy white thighs. Oh yeah.
Sure enough, I find nothing. There's people: a older hispanic lady, a few token asians, a pair of black ladies chit chatting as they pedal stationary bikes - the typical crowd. There was also a couple of younger white-ish dudes (toasted crackas?) with faux hawks working out on the ellipticals. They were wearing some nondescript t-shirts and some basketball shorts - again, pretty typical fare.
I settle down, extend my right leg and put my head down to my knee to stretch my hamstring. With my face 2 inches from my knee, I hear the most effeminate male voice. Right away, I'm thinking: gay dude.
Now, I don't give two shits if a guy is gay. It doesn't bother me so long as I don't have to participate. In this case, I was caught off guard because I didn't notice anyone around me that looked gay.
What does gay look like? You tell me. We all know the stereotype. Gay guys dress well. It's a universal truth. They always have a more fashionable appearance than straight males no matter what the occasion. When I took stock of the local fare just before I began my stretch, I sure as hell didn't notice anyone that looked like he rode in on the hershey highway.
It turns out, it was on of the faux hawks that were dressed in plain clothes. And this is what struck me as peculiar. He was dressed like every other guy in the gym. Every other guy has zero fashion sense in the gym. Does this mean that Mr. Faux Hawk, as a gay man, has no fashion sense? That's just wrong! Wrong! It's like Yoda without the force; he's just a weird looking guy that talks funny.
Friday, January 4, 2008
A Super Hero Holiday Party
Nestled in the Nu'uanu Valley is a handsome fortress known only to a select few superheroes and all women of legal age. This hilltop perch is home to none other than the superhero, DareDevin. In his generous holiday spirit, he decided to open up his Palace of Porn and host the first ever Super Hero Holiday Party!!!
It was definitely a super pimpin good time. Superheroes from across the globe gathered at the home of DareDevin to celebrate the holidays. DareDevin is aptly named for his uncanny ability to seduce any woman with a wink of an eye. Here's a picture of him in is resplendent red cape and another superhero dressed as his alter ago, Kurt Kent.
In Kurt Kent's best interest, his superhero identity must not be revealed but suffice to say that he shoots darts like nobody's business and somehow managed to not age after high school. His only weakness, his kryptonite if you will, is rum & coke. Oddly, so is DareDevin's. He will not touch the stuff.
Just when me thinks it was safe to pick my spandex wedgie, a supervillain blew in with a chill and a hush. Whoooooosh!!!!! It was DareDevin's evil sister, Diabolical Den! As they are from the same bloodline, Diabolical Den and DareDevin have very similar powers. As DareDevin is able to seduce women, Diabolical Den is able to seduce men. Sensing the imminent danger, I leapt into action to face her head on! Here is a picture of yours truly, Gatman - The Brown Knight, choking out Diabolical Den.
As you can see, Gatman's gunz are always locked and loaded. As Gatman prepared to give her both barrels, DareDevin intervened on her behalf and informed me that she was here as an emissary for peace between the superheroes and the supervillains. Peace is good. Gatman approves.
Also putting in an appearance at the Super Shindig was Famous Fish who remarkably knows half the residents of Oahu.
Rumor has it that you can flip to any page in the phone book and he will know at least one person on that page. Truly remarkable.
Gatman's long time associate, Super Mario, was there as well. When Super Mario is not stomping on goombas or eating strange mushrooms, 'he' is actually a 'she' that goes by her alter ego Kelly. Regretfully, Gatman did not take a picture with Kelly in her Super Mario outfit. Gatman is disappointed with Gatman over this. Perhaps another superhero has a picture and would be kind enough to share it.
Also in attendance was the frisky Cath-woman, who refused to have her picture taken. At this time, it is unclear whether she is a hero or a villain.
Overall, the stupendous soiree was a super success. From that point forward, there was peace between the superheroes and the supervillains. Gatman thanks DareDevin for the invitation and hopes that there will be similar ventures in the future.
It was definitely a super pimpin good time. Superheroes from across the globe gathered at the home of DareDevin to celebrate the holidays. DareDevin is aptly named for his uncanny ability to seduce any woman with a wink of an eye. Here's a picture of him in is resplendent red cape and another superhero dressed as his alter ago, Kurt Kent.
In Kurt Kent's best interest, his superhero identity must not be revealed but suffice to say that he shoots darts like nobody's business and somehow managed to not age after high school. His only weakness, his kryptonite if you will, is rum & coke. Oddly, so is DareDevin's. He will not touch the stuff.
Just when me thinks it was safe to pick my spandex wedgie, a supervillain blew in with a chill and a hush. Whoooooosh!!!!! It was DareDevin's evil sister, Diabolical Den! As they are from the same bloodline, Diabolical Den and DareDevin have very similar powers. As DareDevin is able to seduce women, Diabolical Den is able to seduce men. Sensing the imminent danger, I leapt into action to face her head on! Here is a picture of yours truly, Gatman - The Brown Knight, choking out Diabolical Den.
As you can see, Gatman's gunz are always locked and loaded. As Gatman prepared to give her both barrels, DareDevin intervened on her behalf and informed me that she was here as an emissary for peace between the superheroes and the supervillains. Peace is good. Gatman approves.
Also putting in an appearance at the Super Shindig was Famous Fish who remarkably knows half the residents of Oahu.
Rumor has it that you can flip to any page in the phone book and he will know at least one person on that page. Truly remarkable.
Gatman's long time associate, Super Mario, was there as well. When Super Mario is not stomping on goombas or eating strange mushrooms, 'he' is actually a 'she' that goes by her alter ego Kelly. Regretfully, Gatman did not take a picture with Kelly in her Super Mario outfit. Gatman is disappointed with Gatman over this. Perhaps another superhero has a picture and would be kind enough to share it.
Also in attendance was the frisky Cath-woman, who refused to have her picture taken. At this time, it is unclear whether she is a hero or a villain.
Overall, the stupendous soiree was a super success. From that point forward, there was peace between the superheroes and the supervillains. Gatman thanks DareDevin for the invitation and hopes that there will be similar ventures in the future.
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